It is so strange to me how incredible God is making things, I mean how He is making things in me. How the thought of being alone for more than a couple days would bum me out and how the most meaningful experiences with God were only through amazing worship (music) and prayer times or incredible miracles. Yet, in the last few months God has shown me himself in new places, like in solitary quiet moments and months even or through His word or through a book or a song...He just keeps showing up and every time I act surprised as if I didn't believe that God is in everything. It just proves to me ever still that God is fiercely trying to capture my whole heart and how wonderful it feels to be pursued by the Creator of the Universe, I mean can you handle that! I can't help but tear up because the swelling of love in my soul is about to burst. God loves me! He is in love with me! How could that be? I definitely don't deserve it, I have mistreated no one the way that I have mistreated my Savior. It's horrible. But that's what grace is, right? I feel like Paul, when he talks about what things he's had and what things he's lost, how he's known the heights of joy and has gone down to the depths of pain. Yet, despite all of his whole life, it is worth it all to know Christ and nothing can ever compare.
Another thing God is teaching me right now is how to be patient. Anyone who knows me would tell you patience is not something I know much about. However, I have learned that waiting is better and that it gets easier the longer you do it. Apart of that has to do with words, I used to be quick to share anything about myself with anyone and could easily open myself to people. Now I find myself waiting to think about what I really feel and to know what should be expressed and in what way. I have never before been so lost in my own thoughts as I have been lately.
I'm also discovering that I love writing, I love that I can share my thoughts here and that if for no other reason than that they are spoken into the world, whether heard or not, I got to speak.
The last thing I want to share is this amazing song that my great friend shared with me. The words capture exactly how I've felt these past few months.
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
BY Ginny Owens
Friday, April 27, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Soul Cravings
I’ve gotten through the first 17 journal entries in Erwin McManus’ book, Soul Cravings, and as I’m reading each one I keep thinking, “oh I should post this, it’s really good stuff” but then I keep reading and all of it is just so good, so I highly recommend it because I can’t post the whole book on here.
One part really stirred me though. McManus talks about our need or craving for intimacy and love not only with and from God, but with each other. He has even gone as far to say that it is really in the context of people that you find your identity. And not just anyone, healthy people. Our identity or how self-aware we are comes from our interactions with others.
So this got me thinking, this semester my classes have been about theory. One class focused in on Student Development Theory. Basically, they are ideas that people (educated people) came up with to try and explain how identities develop in college students. Identity development is classified as phenomena, it's not the same for everyone, and all we can do is know the proxemics of the possibilities of how a person develops.
In this class, I was asked to write my college experience story in the context of one theory. I won't bore you with all the connections to theory, but the one thing that stood out, particularly after reading what McManus said, is how without particular people in my path, I do not know if I would know myself the way that I do.
What I mean is that this gift of being able to see myself through someone else’s eyes changed the way my eyes see.
It is one thing to know that I was created in the image of God and that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, blah, blah, blah, BUT it is a complete other thing for someone close to you or even a stranger to say or do something that reflects that knowledge. And trust me most of these times of seeing myself through others has not been fun, in fact they were usually painful and ugly.
The best example I can think of is to tell you about my friend Lissa and I. She and I could not be more opposite personalities; it was as if we spoke completely different languages. Yet, at first sight we thought we were meant to be friends, we were both starting college a little older than everyone else and we had the same interests and we were neighbors. Digging further into knowing each other we recognized the difficulties our personality differences were making. Most of my friendships up to that point were short-lived for one reason or another, so naturally I thought well we don't get along so we probably just won't be friends. But Lissa would not allow that, I’ll never forget that night sitting in our dorm room and her looking me square in the face and telling me "We're friends and that means good or bad you're stuck with me because I love you no matter how hard this relationship becomes." Of course I was balling my eyes out (hey I’m a girl) but it was because I had never experienced someone so fiercely fighting to keep me in their life, nor anyone so committed and what’s more I didn't deserve her friendship.
That night and my friendship with this amazing girl changed my life forever. It allowed me the freedom to make mistakes and fall without the fear that I would end up alone. Because of Lissa and a host of friends that followed I was able to let out all the ugly parts of myself and take a deep gaze. It was so painful. But walking through the mucky parts with my friends holding my hands the whole way made it possible to let go of the muck and become something new.
The reason I can know myself today is a result of others choosing to know me also and the gift of their friendship allowed me to get glimpses for good or bad of who I am and who I am meant to be.
They showed me in real life what unconditional love looks like and how to identify myself as a created thing by this great God.
You will never know the impact someone will have on your life, nor will you know the impact you could have on others, so keep your eyes open.
One part really stirred me though. McManus talks about our need or craving for intimacy and love not only with and from God, but with each other. He has even gone as far to say that it is really in the context of people that you find your identity. And not just anyone, healthy people. Our identity or how self-aware we are comes from our interactions with others.
So this got me thinking, this semester my classes have been about theory. One class focused in on Student Development Theory. Basically, they are ideas that people (educated people) came up with to try and explain how identities develop in college students. Identity development is classified as phenomena, it's not the same for everyone, and all we can do is know the proxemics of the possibilities of how a person develops.
In this class, I was asked to write my college experience story in the context of one theory. I won't bore you with all the connections to theory, but the one thing that stood out, particularly after reading what McManus said, is how without particular people in my path, I do not know if I would know myself the way that I do.
What I mean is that this gift of being able to see myself through someone else’s eyes changed the way my eyes see.
It is one thing to know that I was created in the image of God and that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, blah, blah, blah, BUT it is a complete other thing for someone close to you or even a stranger to say or do something that reflects that knowledge. And trust me most of these times of seeing myself through others has not been fun, in fact they were usually painful and ugly.
The best example I can think of is to tell you about my friend Lissa and I. She and I could not be more opposite personalities; it was as if we spoke completely different languages. Yet, at first sight we thought we were meant to be friends, we were both starting college a little older than everyone else and we had the same interests and we were neighbors. Digging further into knowing each other we recognized the difficulties our personality differences were making. Most of my friendships up to that point were short-lived for one reason or another, so naturally I thought well we don't get along so we probably just won't be friends. But Lissa would not allow that, I’ll never forget that night sitting in our dorm room and her looking me square in the face and telling me "We're friends and that means good or bad you're stuck with me because I love you no matter how hard this relationship becomes." Of course I was balling my eyes out (hey I’m a girl) but it was because I had never experienced someone so fiercely fighting to keep me in their life, nor anyone so committed and what’s more I didn't deserve her friendship.
That night and my friendship with this amazing girl changed my life forever. It allowed me the freedom to make mistakes and fall without the fear that I would end up alone. Because of Lissa and a host of friends that followed I was able to let out all the ugly parts of myself and take a deep gaze. It was so painful. But walking through the mucky parts with my friends holding my hands the whole way made it possible to let go of the muck and become something new.
The reason I can know myself today is a result of others choosing to know me also and the gift of their friendship allowed me to get glimpses for good or bad of who I am and who I am meant to be.
They showed me in real life what unconditional love looks like and how to identify myself as a created thing by this great God.
You will never know the impact someone will have on your life, nor will you know the impact you could have on others, so keep your eyes open.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Sunshine
This weekend filled my cup...I was so glad to get out into the fresh air and take in the goodness of warm air and the soft pillow like clouds and ofcourse the sunshine. I decided to take a walk and ended up walking for about a couple hours. I forgot how great it is to just take in God's creation and talk to Him at the same time; it was wonderful. I was feeling great until later when I realized that I had gotten a couple blisters and a sunburn that included leaving a little Sicily shaped white mark where my necklace of Sicily is...oh well...I did not get much accomplished of which I will pay severly for this week, but I don't care!
I love all the newness in the air too! All in all great weekend...oh except no one should ever see the movie Marie Antoinette, it was horrible...other than wasting those two hours of existence life rocked.
I also got some great new books...Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus (thanks Zach) is one of them...I'll let you know how it turns out!
I love all the newness in the air too! All in all great weekend...oh except no one should ever see the movie Marie Antoinette, it was horrible...other than wasting those two hours of existence life rocked.
I also got some great new books...Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus (thanks Zach) is one of them...I'll let you know how it turns out!
Friday, April 20, 2007
What is reality?
I was reading the other day that reality is not bound by circumstance and/or feelings but by the truth of God.
What does that mean?
To a realist this sounded ridiculous, I am all about faith and believing what you do not see, but calling it reality is a bit of a stretch for me. So I was thinking what is my reality or how am I perceiving the world right now?
Reality right now in terms of circumstance and feelings is that I have to figure out how to motivate myself to care about two projects that have to be completed by next Wednesday; I have to find the strength and diligence to move into my new apartment while working on those projects; I also have to make time for two close friends who are moving far away before they are gone in the next two weeks; I have to prepare for a grueling Summer filled with four classes and a practicum; I have to wait and see if the job I have always wanted will actually come my way and decide if it is still what I really want, soon!
I feel sort of numb to everything because to feel anything right now is simply too much. Why is it that transition in my life has to be so completely dramatic? Oh and while figuring all this stuff out, I also need to try and keep my stress in check otherwise my body might completely shut down, like last semester, which is ironic because I worry about my stress creating additional stress...arghh!
However, I do know this...though I choose different semantics, I think, to describe this alternate "reality" I do believe it is the same...Because this is what God's truth says, he is for me and not against me, he has purpose for everything in my life, he is good and faithful, nothing can separate me from his love, and one day whether I am lucky enough to see why all this had to happen or not, I will be grateful it did; one day I will not be in school *Praise Jesus* and my friends that I am losing will not be truly gone!
God really does have me in His grip and I am grateful because that is my one glimmer of light in the tunnel of darkness right now! I wish I could see more of the plan he has, but learning to Trust my God, though frightfully painful, is proving to be worth it!
I wish I had read Ecclesiastes a couple months ago...but I'm glad I did today...you should check it out, it just might change your life!
I suppose the big question of life is whose reality will you choose to see...the one that is one-dimensional and based on human eyesight or the one that is beyond dimensions altogether and has infinite bendable eyes...I think today I will choose the latter and see what happens!
What does that mean?
To a realist this sounded ridiculous, I am all about faith and believing what you do not see, but calling it reality is a bit of a stretch for me. So I was thinking what is my reality or how am I perceiving the world right now?
Reality right now in terms of circumstance and feelings is that I have to figure out how to motivate myself to care about two projects that have to be completed by next Wednesday; I have to find the strength and diligence to move into my new apartment while working on those projects; I also have to make time for two close friends who are moving far away before they are gone in the next two weeks; I have to prepare for a grueling Summer filled with four classes and a practicum; I have to wait and see if the job I have always wanted will actually come my way and decide if it is still what I really want, soon!
I feel sort of numb to everything because to feel anything right now is simply too much. Why is it that transition in my life has to be so completely dramatic? Oh and while figuring all this stuff out, I also need to try and keep my stress in check otherwise my body might completely shut down, like last semester, which is ironic because I worry about my stress creating additional stress...arghh!
However, I do know this...though I choose different semantics, I think, to describe this alternate "reality" I do believe it is the same...Because this is what God's truth says, he is for me and not against me, he has purpose for everything in my life, he is good and faithful, nothing can separate me from his love, and one day whether I am lucky enough to see why all this had to happen or not, I will be grateful it did; one day I will not be in school *Praise Jesus* and my friends that I am losing will not be truly gone!
God really does have me in His grip and I am grateful because that is my one glimmer of light in the tunnel of darkness right now! I wish I could see more of the plan he has, but learning to Trust my God, though frightfully painful, is proving to be worth it!
I wish I had read Ecclesiastes a couple months ago...but I'm glad I did today...you should check it out, it just might change your life!
I suppose the big question of life is whose reality will you choose to see...the one that is one-dimensional and based on human eyesight or the one that is beyond dimensions altogether and has infinite bendable eyes...I think today I will choose the latter and see what happens!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Time for a new chapter!
Moving on, as the saying goes, when things just don't turn out like you thought and you are forced to begin anew, it is so incredibly hard for me. I am not a quitter and moving on feels like I failed and now I must retreat, I hate that! I guess I really did want to start a new chapter in my book of life, but the story took an unexpected twist, and like Will Ferrell in Stranger than Fiction, someone is after me and controlling every scene. Sometimes that thought is comforting, because God knows I am not good at being in control, but other times it just makes me mad.
One comforting thought that is looming as I wallow about the things I've lost is that though I may have thought this was the best God could do, it's not! I've challenged him before, dared him in fact, to blow my mind with what he can do in and through my life and he has. At every turning point he has put me square with a life beyond my greatest dream and beyond anything I could even fathom. So here I am again challenging him to do what he's always done in a way I could never see. I'm done trying to stay in control or manipulate...it is simply too exausting...waiting on God to fulfill longings and promises seem a far better option at this point...I hope I can remember that in the next few hours when I'm sure something unexpected will happen!
One comforting thought that is looming as I wallow about the things I've lost is that though I may have thought this was the best God could do, it's not! I've challenged him before, dared him in fact, to blow my mind with what he can do in and through my life and he has. At every turning point he has put me square with a life beyond my greatest dream and beyond anything I could even fathom. So here I am again challenging him to do what he's always done in a way I could never see. I'm done trying to stay in control or manipulate...it is simply too exausting...waiting on God to fulfill longings and promises seem a far better option at this point...I hope I can remember that in the next few hours when I'm sure something unexpected will happen!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Random
Ever have a day where all the things you're thinking all of sudden appear before you. I have had the most random thoughts today and they have all confronted me in person. It's as if someone (I wonder who) is watching and saying "oh yeah, bring it on" because during these random thoughts I've also pondered the possibility of them, believing them to be too outrageous to actually happen.
God is so good, He knows how to show up in the right way at the right time. I am constantly baffled by His goodness towards me and how He is meeting and exceeding my needs right now!
I am glad to be in this season of getting to know my creator even more deeply and starving for more of Him at the same time. It's funny how that works, we have to seek Him to want more of Him...I used to think that God just magically created hunger within you, but really you find Him by seeking Him and then all of sudden He is fiercly pursuing you, like Pringles, once you pop you just can't stop. I just wish that daily distractions didn't pull me away from that place with Him or that somehow like Brother Lawrence I could learn to practice the presence of God within every part of my life, so that I never have to leave, or feel compelled to leave, the Holy of Holies. I can't wait for the day I get to worship God all the time, yet I also know that there is much to accomplish here and I hope to lead a more fruitful life before it is blown away like the dust that I am.
Today I sign the lease on my new apartment, I wish I could be more excited about it, but I still won't be able to settle in until I hear about this new job I applied for, because it might involve another move.
Oh well, if waiting on God means I have to be ready to go, than I can do it beacuse I know His plans for me are far beyond what I could imagine or see.
Toodles for now folks!
God is so good, He knows how to show up in the right way at the right time. I am constantly baffled by His goodness towards me and how He is meeting and exceeding my needs right now!
I am glad to be in this season of getting to know my creator even more deeply and starving for more of Him at the same time. It's funny how that works, we have to seek Him to want more of Him...I used to think that God just magically created hunger within you, but really you find Him by seeking Him and then all of sudden He is fiercly pursuing you, like Pringles, once you pop you just can't stop. I just wish that daily distractions didn't pull me away from that place with Him or that somehow like Brother Lawrence I could learn to practice the presence of God within every part of my life, so that I never have to leave, or feel compelled to leave, the Holy of Holies. I can't wait for the day I get to worship God all the time, yet I also know that there is much to accomplish here and I hope to lead a more fruitful life before it is blown away like the dust that I am.
Today I sign the lease on my new apartment, I wish I could be more excited about it, but I still won't be able to settle in until I hear about this new job I applied for, because it might involve another move.
Oh well, if waiting on God means I have to be ready to go, than I can do it beacuse I know His plans for me are far beyond what I could imagine or see.
Toodles for now folks!
Monday, April 16, 2007
Metro Camping!
What a whirlwind this weekend was...so action-packed and ofcourse the fun never stopped.
We went to the Art Museum, the Zoo, this interesting Wax Museum affectionately referred to as the "Old Whore" by the owner, downtown St. Charles and Caveman BBQ.
It was so great to hang with the small group, some old faces and some new ones too...I love it!
I started thinking after this weekend how really empty my life feels and I was trying to figure out how I can change that, and I know it's not really empty, I mean I work full-time, am a grad student full-time, play softball, go to church, go to a small group and then hanging out with the homechickens...but I want more!
So I've decided I'm going to get involved in some community events. The first one is the Kitchen Run, then I might do the Relay for Life with Evangel, and I think I might try to find a class or something too.
The weather is so wonderful today it makes me so happy, I need sunshine in my life...I want to be more of a doer, I'm done being a thinker for now!
If you want to see pics from the weekend go here: www.myspace.com/alli5on
We went to the Art Museum, the Zoo, this interesting Wax Museum affectionately referred to as the "Old Whore" by the owner, downtown St. Charles and Caveman BBQ.
It was so great to hang with the small group, some old faces and some new ones too...I love it!
I started thinking after this weekend how really empty my life feels and I was trying to figure out how I can change that, and I know it's not really empty, I mean I work full-time, am a grad student full-time, play softball, go to church, go to a small group and then hanging out with the homechickens...but I want more!
So I've decided I'm going to get involved in some community events. The first one is the Kitchen Run, then I might do the Relay for Life with Evangel, and I think I might try to find a class or something too.
The weather is so wonderful today it makes me so happy, I need sunshine in my life...I want to be more of a doer, I'm done being a thinker for now!
If you want to see pics from the weekend go here: www.myspace.com/alli5on
Friday, April 13, 2007
Lets get it started...
Well...I've wandered into the land of blogging...my cousin inspired me to begin this journey and take people with me.
So here I am playing the waiting game, many opportunities that are in that "wait and see" place with God...but for the first time in a long time it is not a scary place, but an exciting place. It's almost like an awakening, like I've been asleep and am waking up to myself again. It's not that I have been hiding who I am or that I wasn't even being myself, but I think I just forgot about this part of me or was having trouble liking it maybe. I forgot about who my God is and who He has been to me...I forgot about the way he's always talked to me and the amazing unbelievable things he's done for me. It's nice to wake up and remember that God is for me and that he is near.
I've been contemplating Hebrews 11:1-2..."Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I roll it over and over trying to really grasp it...the best I have come up with is that if we know what we hope for then faith is being sure of that hope, believing that it can happen but it has to be tempered with the certainty that we do not know the future, but God does and though we may not see it, we can be certain that our hope will be there.
Hope can be a four letter word for some people because it immediately drums up fear and anxiety, but I have always been a risk taker, particurlarly with people. Relationships are always worth the risk of getting hurt, because on the other side of hurt is this amazing joy that you can only know from knowing the pain. My hopes are not always met with joy, sometimes they are met by pain and sorrow, unimaginable sorrow...but I believe if we do not risk getting hurt we also miss out on the incredible joy that comes when hopes are fulfilled. I'm a both feet in kind of girl. Some people need to take their time on the steps of the pool before they fully submerse, not me I want to get the cold part of being in the pool over so I just jump right in...I guess I'm all or nothing I have a hard time holding back when it comes to my heart. I probably should be more cautious because then I would not feel the sting of pain so deeply and my heart would not be so scarred. Yet, I also think that it is the walking and making it through the heart ache that makes it all worth it. Joy is always on the other side of pain.
So my first ramblings are over...I'm heading to St. Louis tonight for some fun times with friends and I am too excited!!
So here I am playing the waiting game, many opportunities that are in that "wait and see" place with God...but for the first time in a long time it is not a scary place, but an exciting place. It's almost like an awakening, like I've been asleep and am waking up to myself again. It's not that I have been hiding who I am or that I wasn't even being myself, but I think I just forgot about this part of me or was having trouble liking it maybe. I forgot about who my God is and who He has been to me...I forgot about the way he's always talked to me and the amazing unbelievable things he's done for me. It's nice to wake up and remember that God is for me and that he is near.
I've been contemplating Hebrews 11:1-2..."Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." I roll it over and over trying to really grasp it...the best I have come up with is that if we know what we hope for then faith is being sure of that hope, believing that it can happen but it has to be tempered with the certainty that we do not know the future, but God does and though we may not see it, we can be certain that our hope will be there.
Hope can be a four letter word for some people because it immediately drums up fear and anxiety, but I have always been a risk taker, particurlarly with people. Relationships are always worth the risk of getting hurt, because on the other side of hurt is this amazing joy that you can only know from knowing the pain. My hopes are not always met with joy, sometimes they are met by pain and sorrow, unimaginable sorrow...but I believe if we do not risk getting hurt we also miss out on the incredible joy that comes when hopes are fulfilled. I'm a both feet in kind of girl. Some people need to take their time on the steps of the pool before they fully submerse, not me I want to get the cold part of being in the pool over so I just jump right in...I guess I'm all or nothing I have a hard time holding back when it comes to my heart. I probably should be more cautious because then I would not feel the sting of pain so deeply and my heart would not be so scarred. Yet, I also think that it is the walking and making it through the heart ache that makes it all worth it. Joy is always on the other side of pain.
So my first ramblings are over...I'm heading to St. Louis tonight for some fun times with friends and I am too excited!!
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