Wow so its October...still jobless...still filling out applications...still interviewing...still waiting!! If I don't come up with $3500 soon I'll be doing major damage to my credit, and possibly have to think about bankruptcy, which obviously I want to avoid...so the one person who might read this, please pray that something happens soon!!
Again...carrot dangled and then nothing...no rejection...no "you're great but..." just nothing!! NOTHING is worse!! I feel more lost than ever, but hopeful...I have some wonderful people in my life who seem to know the right moments I need their encouragement and it has made all the difference. Not to mention the amazing love and support of my family!!!
Enough of that...time to write about the next online dating disaster...disaster is probably not the right word for this next tale because in reality it was one of the best experiences of my life. Because this person is someone whom I respect and still have contact with (minimal but still) I will change his name. This is a story about dating William.
William and I met on yahoo personals...I remember it was when MySpace was still better than Facebook and I didn't want to pay for that yahoo account, so I left clues on how to find me on myspace. William's first email to me was that he found me and it went back and forth for a couple days and then he just asked me out. I remember I was so impressed that he wanted to meet so quickly that I was torn between feeling like this guy would be another joke or maybe the love of my life.
After that first meeting, we were talking and hanging out nearly everyday! Despite my best efforts not to (he admitted on the second date that he was not emotionally ready to get into a relationship) I quickly fell head over heels for this man. He, in my lovesick stupor, seemed to be the best man for me, perfect in every way, except those few things I don't want to think about. Being love drunk is awesome and reckless!! After a month or so we admitted to loving each other and talked about our possible future together and then a month later...it was finished! He realized everything happened too fast and we needed a break. Oh after the 2007 Ice Storm in Missouri, where he stayed with me for almost two weeks and after I said we should not move so fast...but all is easy to see in hindsight and I was too shocked and awed by the entire experience to have my wits about me.
I have never been more heart broken in my life.
Now to understand the full weight of that statement...I need to go a little bit further back...In high school I dated two guys who were thugs and treated me like trash (literally) and then I dated an abusive guy for two years who eventually stalked me (who I was "romeo and juliet" madly in love with) and then I dated a guy 19 years older than me, lived with him and caught him cheating and then he began to bring this girl to our house...All before I turned 20! A few other significant heart breaks followed but...
I repeat...I have never been more heart broken in my life.
I think because of that I was willing to try to be friends...something I tried for 2 years...I was so miserable...but him not in my life felt like it would be more miserable at the time.
Until one day he just really pissed me off and I stopped answering his calls and text messages. After awhile not having him in my life allowed me to heal and move forward...and he called and we could really be friends. He moved away shortly after that and I think he's happy now and I'm definitely happy now without him.
But mostly...I'm absolutely grateful for him...I learned so many important things about myself and life because of him...the biggest lesson being that I can fall in love again...the feeling of meeting a great love has happened to me twice...which tells me its only a feeling and when I meet a man I can't imagine my life without I'm hoping for more than feelings!!!
Next time is another fun story...no more of this heavy mushy feely crap :) And hopefully I'll have better life news to share!!!
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