From Confident to Lost in 0-60

***WARNING: EMOTIONAL VOMIT AHEAD

When did this happen...just a few months (wow a few months) ago I had an exciting life, every day filled with a new adventure or challenge and most of all laughter and fun! I had an exhilarating life! More than that I had a life that was meaningful, impacting others and a sense of being a part of something bigger.

The longing for home was always amidst that exhilarating life and was nagging louder and louder...which is why I changed my world. The immediate rewards have been beyond wonderful...hanging out with family and friends, getting to participate and plan the weddings of two VERY important people. Which is why its hard to admit that I'm floundering in a sea of emptiness and doubt. How can I be surrounded by such loving and supportive friends and family and feel so low? In a word...REJECTION!

and its not THAT kind of rejection...it's the continual non-recognition of my talent and value...the constant feeling that I don't measure up and that I must be doing something wrong...the deep pit of debt that I'm spiraling into and the WTF do I do question lingering on every breath!

I do not believe in fate or coincidence...I believe in a God who has a plan and while I believe in His plan and His timing...the living out of that belief has become very difficult. I have always thought of myself as someone who puts others before herself, an attribute gained only by God's grace. Its hard to feel worthy of all this struggle when I put myself here...it's  hard not to question every decision and wonder did I do the right thing?

I just want that exhilarating life back or any life so when people ask me about my day or week I have something to say beyond how many books I've finished or applications I've sent. I am a community driven person and was never meant for a life on my own and I'm just trying to hang on to that mustard seed of hope that I will have community again!

Bottom Line: Thank you to friends and family for your unwavering support and encouragement, please don't think I am ungrateful!!!