It seems like I'm always waiting...and I'm always disappointed that its not the right time yet. I got a really nice compliment on Christmas. I was the catalyst in some monumental life decision in a guy's life...a guy I had hoped and maybe still did would mean something more to me, but alas bad timing AGAIN!! Sooo frustrating...I know I need to be patient and all the right things to say when things don't work out but it just seems that's my lot in life to be a catalyst to something else for other people. I would just like to be the "something else" for someone once. I mean it is great that I know my life is making a difference to people, something I definitely strive for and feel grateful that I even get to know that I am, but selfishly I want more.
I think its this time of year, it just gets lonely without someone close to you! and...lots of time on your hands :)
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Seriously...did that just happen???
It's really unfortunate when someone misrepresents themselves on paper and is simply just good with vocabulary, only to find that they are nothing like what appeared to be in person. And when I say unfortunate I mean it sucks!
After carefully reviewing a match who contacted me on a popular online dating site, I decided to buy a membership to see where it goes, you got to take chances every once in awhile. After some emails we decided to meet. Now I was not hopeful, but also hoped I was wrong about the bad gut feeling I already had. I was not wrong.
But...I didn't want to be too hasty in my decision...so we went out again! I was SOOO not wrong!!
Now I was left with the dilemma of stringing the poor guy along, a guy who clearly does not know how the world perceives him or how inappropriate he is. Well because he seemed sort of innocent and kind (even though, a total social ignoramus) I thought I should also be kind and let him know up front that I'm just not interested. So because we had been emailing and texting and never talked on the phone I emailed him a nice note.
Ignoramus indeed!! He started berating me with the why's? and the I don't understands and the can't we talk about this...and the you owe me's...blah blah blah
It was two dates and this guy acted like we were married and breaking up...and it was really cute when he said he was not immature because he tried to get a PHD and was married but is now divorced as if those things are badges of maturity...awe poor guy...I just hope he's not a stalker EEK!
Lesson learned: follow your gut...ALWAYS!!
After carefully reviewing a match who contacted me on a popular online dating site, I decided to buy a membership to see where it goes, you got to take chances every once in awhile. After some emails we decided to meet. Now I was not hopeful, but also hoped I was wrong about the bad gut feeling I already had. I was not wrong.
But...I didn't want to be too hasty in my decision...so we went out again! I was SOOO not wrong!!
Now I was left with the dilemma of stringing the poor guy along, a guy who clearly does not know how the world perceives him or how inappropriate he is. Well because he seemed sort of innocent and kind (even though, a total social ignoramus) I thought I should also be kind and let him know up front that I'm just not interested. So because we had been emailing and texting and never talked on the phone I emailed him a nice note.
Ignoramus indeed!! He started berating me with the why's? and the I don't understands and the can't we talk about this...and the you owe me's...blah blah blah
It was two dates and this guy acted like we were married and breaking up...and it was really cute when he said he was not immature because he tried to get a PHD and was married but is now divorced as if those things are badges of maturity...awe poor guy...I just hope he's not a stalker EEK!
Lesson learned: follow your gut...ALWAYS!!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Reviving Ophelia...
So this book was a required read in college and I remember reading it in one night because it was so gripping reading the stories of young girls in desperate unimaginable situations and finding it very cathartic thinking about my own desperate unimaginable situation as a young adult.
Tonight I watched a movie with the same name and of course involving a teenage abusive relationships...it surprised me how it affected me because I knew it would bring up some memories, but I didn't expect to only remember the bad ones. In the past, I usually remember the best parts of the relationship and still wonder if the abuse was real or even if it really was all my fault. Yet, this time all I could see and remember was how bad it was and how people must have seen me then and it made me really sad and also really grateful. So grateful that I got away and have had such a beautiful life, but it also makes me wonder if my "lack of" success in relationships has been because I've carried some of that sadness with me...who knows?
As I listened about wisdom today in church it inspired me to keep persisting in the pursuit of wisdom...thanks Solid Rock!!
Tonight I watched a movie with the same name and of course involving a teenage abusive relationships...it surprised me how it affected me because I knew it would bring up some memories, but I didn't expect to only remember the bad ones. In the past, I usually remember the best parts of the relationship and still wonder if the abuse was real or even if it really was all my fault. Yet, this time all I could see and remember was how bad it was and how people must have seen me then and it made me really sad and also really grateful. So grateful that I got away and have had such a beautiful life, but it also makes me wonder if my "lack of" success in relationships has been because I've carried some of that sadness with me...who knows?
As I listened about wisdom today in church it inspired me to keep persisting in the pursuit of wisdom...thanks Solid Rock!!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Gally get outta my gut!!
So I fail...my attempt to be a regular blogger completely failed. No excuses, no analyzing this time...just failed. I'm okay with that!
So much has happened and not just life events, but actual change. Like the kind of change you constantly hope for or long for at times. For the first time in three years I feel like me...and not just the me I remember, but the best to date version of me and yet at the core just me.
The funny thing is...it took breaking my ankle to realize how out of shape and unhealthy I've been and give me the determination to do something about it, even have the patience to move slowly (not my usual style). Some of that patience was forced on me and I'm glad it was...somehow through all the time I've had to do nothing because at times there was nothing I could do...it helped me find myself again, of course I think God played a part in there too.
So I'm feeling great...ankle is healing well (better than expected)...and then not a week after I met with a weight loss coach, made agreements with an accountability partner, and purchased a kitchen full of healthy food...my final and worst gallbladder attack hit me so hard I'm lucky to be alive. I say final attack because after surgery the doctor discovered that my organ was completely gangrene and that I was lucky it didn't burst or cause pancreatitus (which coincidentally a co-worker is recovering from, no bueno)! When I asked how long it would take to make it so infected, they said several years...now that I know what that attack is, I can trace the first time all the way back to sophomore year in college. I ate Taco Bell late at night and immediately felt so sick I thought I would die all night and then the next day felt fine...over the years I've had similar incidents that I just never put together and never went to a doctor for. Crazy! Moral of this story...call the nurse or go to the doctor when something isn't right!
What's crazier is that now that I don't have a gally (coined by Rachie btw) I have to get used to a new digestive system and get this...can't eat fatty or greasy food unless I want to feel bad for a day or so...HA! And I have energy now so that I actually want to exercise, even though all I can do is walk, I honestly can't wait to.
It's been fantastic to be recovering at home and have the time to catch up with friends and family and remember what's important and mostly to just be able to reflect and realize how wonderful and precious my life really is and how grateful and blessed I am to have and know some of the best people on the planet.
I'm not going to make any promises about keeping up with this...but this was nice!
So much has happened and not just life events, but actual change. Like the kind of change you constantly hope for or long for at times. For the first time in three years I feel like me...and not just the me I remember, but the best to date version of me and yet at the core just me.
The funny thing is...it took breaking my ankle to realize how out of shape and unhealthy I've been and give me the determination to do something about it, even have the patience to move slowly (not my usual style). Some of that patience was forced on me and I'm glad it was...somehow through all the time I've had to do nothing because at times there was nothing I could do...it helped me find myself again, of course I think God played a part in there too.
So I'm feeling great...ankle is healing well (better than expected)...and then not a week after I met with a weight loss coach, made agreements with an accountability partner, and purchased a kitchen full of healthy food...my final and worst gallbladder attack hit me so hard I'm lucky to be alive. I say final attack because after surgery the doctor discovered that my organ was completely gangrene and that I was lucky it didn't burst or cause pancreatitus (which coincidentally a co-worker is recovering from, no bueno)! When I asked how long it would take to make it so infected, they said several years...now that I know what that attack is, I can trace the first time all the way back to sophomore year in college. I ate Taco Bell late at night and immediately felt so sick I thought I would die all night and then the next day felt fine...over the years I've had similar incidents that I just never put together and never went to a doctor for. Crazy! Moral of this story...call the nurse or go to the doctor when something isn't right!
What's crazier is that now that I don't have a gally (coined by Rachie btw) I have to get used to a new digestive system and get this...can't eat fatty or greasy food unless I want to feel bad for a day or so...HA! And I have energy now so that I actually want to exercise, even though all I can do is walk, I honestly can't wait to.
It's been fantastic to be recovering at home and have the time to catch up with friends and family and remember what's important and mostly to just be able to reflect and realize how wonderful and precious my life really is and how grateful and blessed I am to have and know some of the best people on the planet.
I'm not going to make any promises about keeping up with this...but this was nice!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Walking in Memphis...
So I know I've missed a couple days and believe me I can't wait to write about them because they have been truly eventful, but I'm leaving for Memphis today and cannot wait to be ten feet off Beale and just relaxing with some good friends!
So I'll see you soon cyberworld...
So I'll see you soon cyberworld...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Writing on the wall...
Do you ever have those moments of clarity when everything you see or do is pointing you in one direction? I feel like they happen all the time, it's simply a matter of whether I pay attention to them or not.
Conversations are a funny thing...they can tell you a lot about a person and sometimes they can reveal things in you that you were not even remotely aware of. I love these kinds of conversations...the hard part is being able and willing to do your share of the give and take to even get close to the possibility of that kind of conversation to take place.
The point is this...I am convinced that I am not living up to my own potential. Story of my life...but I am also convinced that I can change. I want to be a person of conviction that is not swayed so easily by outside forces. I want to be secure in who I am both mentally and physically.
I am a firm believer in the holistic nature of humans and that one area cannot function well without all functioning well. So I have decided to get to work on this old crap body of mine...it is in need of some serious change. I know it will be hard and I will want to give up everyday but I know that I cannot grow or change without this first step.
I'm pretty sure no one reads this but by chance you do any encouragement, advice or simply prayer is appreciated.
Conversations are a funny thing...they can tell you a lot about a person and sometimes they can reveal things in you that you were not even remotely aware of. I love these kinds of conversations...the hard part is being able and willing to do your share of the give and take to even get close to the possibility of that kind of conversation to take place.
The point is this...I am convinced that I am not living up to my own potential. Story of my life...but I am also convinced that I can change. I want to be a person of conviction that is not swayed so easily by outside forces. I want to be secure in who I am both mentally and physically.
I am a firm believer in the holistic nature of humans and that one area cannot function well without all functioning well. So I have decided to get to work on this old crap body of mine...it is in need of some serious change. I know it will be hard and I will want to give up everyday but I know that I cannot grow or change without this first step.
I'm pretty sure no one reads this but by chance you do any encouragement, advice or simply prayer is appreciated.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Chronicles...
Hello Blog world I am giving this a whirl for the err...well fifth time. That's a little deflating...I really want to begin a journey and after reading a friends blog I decided it's time to really buckle down and get some writing done just to prove to myself that I have SOME discipline.
I was thinking earlier today how the timing of things often seems to be my "problem;" but then I thought actually it usually just reminds me that really I should be focusing on me. Not in a narcissistic way but in a becoming a better version of myself way. Instead of waiting around for the perfect life to show up, since we all know that's not real, taking a hold of what's in front of me and creating.
I am tired of feeling constantly in need of a restart button. Though I have no regrets and have loved every moment of life that has brought me here, I do want to change now and so begins a journey.
I was thinking earlier today how the timing of things often seems to be my "problem;" but then I thought actually it usually just reminds me that really I should be focusing on me. Not in a narcissistic way but in a becoming a better version of myself way. Instead of waiting around for the perfect life to show up, since we all know that's not real, taking a hold of what's in front of me and creating.
I am tired of feeling constantly in need of a restart button. Though I have no regrets and have loved every moment of life that has brought me here, I do want to change now and so begins a journey.
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