ramblings

I can't believe I don't know you...that you're not in my life...I think its good...but it sucks...I wish I wasn't so holistic and that the desire to hold onto being known would leave me.

I know that I need more of God and less of this stinky, bitter, angry goo that has consumed me in every way for absolutely too long. I always thought that the phrase we grow or change from the inside out only referred to the good kinds of change...but it is the same with the bad too...somehow all this time I have been just waiting for something anything to make things the way they were before I knew you and instead of growing I have been rotting and now even my body can't hide how rotten I've become...In every way I am unhealthy and unhappy...I miss the newness of God and delighting in Him and being so secure in his love...really not just intellectually but really abiding in Him, trusting Him, being in love with Him.

I'm glad you're gone and that I have a chance to make this right to be who I am supposed to be...to follow the path that God set me on and to not be afraid of it or doubt it anymore.

I want to live and really live to impact others not just positively, but for the kingdom...I want to be love to others without expectation.

Anyway...just some thoughts on a lonely night!

A fresh start...

So it has been entirely too long (like over a year) since I have written here and I am feeling like I need a place to well place my thoughts. Life has become a bit overwhelming and the time has come to use writing as an escape again...I'm not really sure why I stop when I know it is so good for me...its like I'm not sure why I run from God when I need Him the most...even though I know that I need Him..weird.

Since my last post I have created many memories, cried with several friends, lost some friends to bigger cities, graduated with my Masters, and started my student affairs career path at Drury University as a Hall Director.

I have to admit...it took me by surprise how my body doesn't enjoy the college environment as much as I do...I finally had to admit to myself that even though I still may look young I am not young anymore.

I do love being around college students though...getting to walk through their college experience with them and just meet these incredible souls makes all the body aches worth it.

Other transitions have been a little difficult...I miss my soul mate friends...when I came to MO I had too many to keep up with regularly and now many of them are gone...not gone...we will always be connected...but just having those people who know you best close by is something I took for granted. It is fun finding new ones and the adventure of learning about someone new...but it has been harder than I realized it would be...it makes that longing for what was feeling a little more blaring.

anyway...check back next year when I post again...JK...well maybe :)