***WARNING: EMOTIONAL VOMIT AHEAD
When did this happen...just a few months (wow a few months) ago I had an exciting life, every day filled with a new adventure or challenge and most of all laughter and fun! I had an exhilarating life! More than that I had a life that was meaningful, impacting others and a sense of being a part of something bigger.
The longing for home was always amidst that exhilarating life and was nagging louder and louder...which is why I changed my world. The immediate rewards have been beyond wonderful...hanging out with family and friends, getting to participate and plan the weddings of two VERY important people. Which is why its hard to admit that I'm floundering in a sea of emptiness and doubt. How can I be surrounded by such loving and supportive friends and family and feel so low? In a word...REJECTION!
and its not THAT kind of rejection...it's the continual non-recognition of my talent and value...the constant feeling that I don't measure up and that I must be doing something wrong...the deep pit of debt that I'm spiraling into and the WTF do I do question lingering on every breath!
I do not believe in fate or coincidence...I believe in a God who has a plan and while I believe in His plan and His timing...the living out of that belief has become very difficult. I have always thought of myself as someone who puts others before herself, an attribute gained only by God's grace. Its hard to feel worthy of all this struggle when I put myself here...it's hard not to question every decision and wonder did I do the right thing?
I just want that exhilarating life back or any life so when people ask me about my day or week I have something to say beyond how many books I've finished or applications I've sent. I am a community driven person and was never meant for a life on my own and I'm just trying to hang on to that mustard seed of hope that I will have community again!
Bottom Line: Thank you to friends and family for your unwavering support and encouragement, please don't think I am ungrateful!!!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
This Up dOwn business can suck it!!
Hmm...where to begin!
Well job searching has proven to be the most exhausting experience that I was not prepared for. When I set out on this search (back in December) I was confident in finding a position, based on my experience and skills but on the confidence my friends, colleagues and supervisors had in me as well. Yet here I am well beyond traditional start dates and still no job.
Last week, a bright shining glimmer was dangled in front of me and today again I'm left with deep disappointment. I just feel at a total loss, unsure of anything, which is a scary place because I am not good at needing/asking for help and right now I need it in every sense.
The up portion of this rant is I have two interviews this week and one last week that went well. So all is not lost, only the place I wanted, which lets be honest, I usually want things that are no good for me.
I know I owe you a new "online dating" story, but this next one is a doosey and I need more time to write it...so soon, very soon!!
Well job searching has proven to be the most exhausting experience that I was not prepared for. When I set out on this search (back in December) I was confident in finding a position, based on my experience and skills but on the confidence my friends, colleagues and supervisors had in me as well. Yet here I am well beyond traditional start dates and still no job.
Last week, a bright shining glimmer was dangled in front of me and today again I'm left with deep disappointment. I just feel at a total loss, unsure of anything, which is a scary place because I am not good at needing/asking for help and right now I need it in every sense.
The up portion of this rant is I have two interviews this week and one last week that went well. So all is not lost, only the place I wanted, which lets be honest, I usually want things that are no good for me.
I know I owe you a new "online dating" story, but this next one is a doosey and I need more time to write it...so soon, very soon!!
Friday, June 15, 2012
it's all coming back to me now..
Week 2:
This week has been better, not quite as sad as last week. My cousin came to stay with me and we walked around Santana Row (a uber nice outdoor shopping plaza in San Jose). I bought some Mary Janes that feel like slippers from Urban Outfitters...it's nice to be near all the places I love. I also discovered that Elise (my little cousin, who is not little anymore...how she got to be 25 already I don't know) is just as much an 80's fan as me, so some 80's dances/shows are in my near future!
I also got to see my old college roommate and dear friend Lissa and her two adorable boys! It was so nice to be with her and catch up, reminisce and discover how each of us has changed. I was a little worried that moving back I would not connect with old friends the same way...I'm such a different girl than the one who left nearly 8 years ago and I'm discovering neither are many of them. Just as I have changed so have they and most for the better.
I've realized and accepted that the next few months will simply be hard and at times feel unbearable. There is nothing to do but ride it out and re-evaluate after the heartache of missing my Missouri life and people has subsided, though I know it won't truly go away, it won't always feel this painful.
I really did not think things through...so much alone time for this extrovert is a VERY bad thing...so I'm headed to the parentals for some family time and to celebrate the best Daddy there is.
as promised another dating story...
Dating Adventure #2
I've decided the easiest way to go about this is to tell the stories chronologically...while there were many other chat room encounters ( a guy who ended up in Prison, the really nice guy who was just "too" nice, etc.)...my very first face to face date was with a guy named Tim or Timmybear (his match.com handle).
So we met on match.com and talked nearly everyday for about two months. He lived in St. Louis and so meeting up was challenging. Finally, we found a weekend where he could come down and see me. I was living with a lady from church in NIxa at the time and she was very conservative and was not okay with boys spending the night...so I had arranged for him to stay with my friends Elis and Tracy. He met me at my house and shocker number 1...I remember being soooo nervous and I should have been. He looked nothing like the pictures he had posted and not in a good way. But I'm not that vain so I thought thats fine I like who he is so its not that big of a deal.
We go to dinner (at Millies for all my Springfield friends) and conversation was a bit awkward, lots of silences and just weirdness and then I noticed how he curled his lip almost absentmindedly, like a tick. I thought okay hes just nervous too. We left dinner and head out to ArtWalk where we meet up with Elis and Tracy thank God. Pressure was off for a little while, Elis being the great relator immediately picks up conversation with Tim and Tracy and I have a minute to girl talk. The night starts to feel more comfortable and the Tim I had been talking to the last two months finally appears and I feel a little more confident. We end the night back at Elis and Tracy's for coffee and ice cream and we hug goodbye.
The next morning I go over to Elis and Tracy's and they invite us to breakfast with Elis' brother Jay and his wife. Tim really wanted to go so I thought sure. As we're eating Jay asks us how we met and I said the internet, he asked if it was eHarmony and Tim replies no it was match.com, eHarmony wouldn't allow me to be a member. At first I thought well how dumb of them and how strange, but didn't dwell on it too much. After breakfast I drove us down to Branson to park near the dam. We walked around table rock lake for awhile and just talked and really connecting; however, I waiting for some kind of spark of attraction that just wasn't happening. Next we headed to the landing to eat lunch and he picked Joe's Crab Shack (not my favorite place but whatev's) I had a couple beers which at the time affected me quite a bit, as Rhondy would say I started to get my lean on :) So of course I was a little more relaxed and flirty, but Tim just seemed distant. Not good. He drove us back to my house and he was in a hurry to leave, he quickly hugged me thanked me for a good time and was on his way. The last I have ever heard from him was on his way home texting me about how he got a speeding ticket. I called him a couple times after that weekend without a response (I've discovered is a typical guy move when they don't have the balls to just tell you it ain't gonna work out, like I don't already know that, sheesh!). On Monday, however, I was recounting all the events of the weekend to a co-worker who was like, "that's really bizarre that a dating company would not take his money!" It got me thinking, why would eHarmony reject someone? So I called them and asked...the answer I received was that they screen everyone with this personality inventory, that actually gauges emotional readiness for a long-term relationship and makes sure that their clients are psychologically sound. My mind was spinning, so either he was emotionally unavailable or psychotic, I choose to believe the former, but seriously!!!
This is not even close to the weirdest experience...hold on kids!!
This week has been better, not quite as sad as last week. My cousin came to stay with me and we walked around Santana Row (a uber nice outdoor shopping plaza in San Jose). I bought some Mary Janes that feel like slippers from Urban Outfitters...it's nice to be near all the places I love. I also discovered that Elise (my little cousin, who is not little anymore...how she got to be 25 already I don't know) is just as much an 80's fan as me, so some 80's dances/shows are in my near future!
I also got to see my old college roommate and dear friend Lissa and her two adorable boys! It was so nice to be with her and catch up, reminisce and discover how each of us has changed. I was a little worried that moving back I would not connect with old friends the same way...I'm such a different girl than the one who left nearly 8 years ago and I'm discovering neither are many of them. Just as I have changed so have they and most for the better.
I've realized and accepted that the next few months will simply be hard and at times feel unbearable. There is nothing to do but ride it out and re-evaluate after the heartache of missing my Missouri life and people has subsided, though I know it won't truly go away, it won't always feel this painful.
I really did not think things through...so much alone time for this extrovert is a VERY bad thing...so I'm headed to the parentals for some family time and to celebrate the best Daddy there is.
as promised another dating story...
Dating Adventure #2
I've decided the easiest way to go about this is to tell the stories chronologically...while there were many other chat room encounters ( a guy who ended up in Prison, the really nice guy who was just "too" nice, etc.)...my very first face to face date was with a guy named Tim or Timmybear (his match.com handle).
So we met on match.com and talked nearly everyday for about two months. He lived in St. Louis and so meeting up was challenging. Finally, we found a weekend where he could come down and see me. I was living with a lady from church in NIxa at the time and she was very conservative and was not okay with boys spending the night...so I had arranged for him to stay with my friends Elis and Tracy. He met me at my house and shocker number 1...I remember being soooo nervous and I should have been. He looked nothing like the pictures he had posted and not in a good way. But I'm not that vain so I thought thats fine I like who he is so its not that big of a deal.
We go to dinner (at Millies for all my Springfield friends) and conversation was a bit awkward, lots of silences and just weirdness and then I noticed how he curled his lip almost absentmindedly, like a tick. I thought okay hes just nervous too. We left dinner and head out to ArtWalk where we meet up with Elis and Tracy thank God. Pressure was off for a little while, Elis being the great relator immediately picks up conversation with Tim and Tracy and I have a minute to girl talk. The night starts to feel more comfortable and the Tim I had been talking to the last two months finally appears and I feel a little more confident. We end the night back at Elis and Tracy's for coffee and ice cream and we hug goodbye.
The next morning I go over to Elis and Tracy's and they invite us to breakfast with Elis' brother Jay and his wife. Tim really wanted to go so I thought sure. As we're eating Jay asks us how we met and I said the internet, he asked if it was eHarmony and Tim replies no it was match.com, eHarmony wouldn't allow me to be a member. At first I thought well how dumb of them and how strange, but didn't dwell on it too much. After breakfast I drove us down to Branson to park near the dam. We walked around table rock lake for awhile and just talked and really connecting; however, I waiting for some kind of spark of attraction that just wasn't happening. Next we headed to the landing to eat lunch and he picked Joe's Crab Shack (not my favorite place but whatev's) I had a couple beers which at the time affected me quite a bit, as Rhondy would say I started to get my lean on :) So of course I was a little more relaxed and flirty, but Tim just seemed distant. Not good. He drove us back to my house and he was in a hurry to leave, he quickly hugged me thanked me for a good time and was on his way. The last I have ever heard from him was on his way home texting me about how he got a speeding ticket. I called him a couple times after that weekend without a response (I've discovered is a typical guy move when they don't have the balls to just tell you it ain't gonna work out, like I don't already know that, sheesh!). On Monday, however, I was recounting all the events of the weekend to a co-worker who was like, "that's really bizarre that a dating company would not take his money!" It got me thinking, why would eHarmony reject someone? So I called them and asked...the answer I received was that they screen everyone with this personality inventory, that actually gauges emotional readiness for a long-term relationship and makes sure that their clients are psychologically sound. My mind was spinning, so either he was emotionally unavailable or psychotic, I choose to believe the former, but seriously!!!
This is not even close to the weirdest experience...hold on kids!!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Here I go again...
So I know I've re-booted this blog so many times...but I feel like I have a theme this time...I also don't have a job and changed my entire life, so I may have a few things to say!
I just moved back to California after living in Missouri for 8 years...a bit weird, idn't it!! At some point I'll get into the why's and what's. For several years now my friends have been bugging me to write about my online dating adventures (I carefully chose that word) and I have the time and the inspiration...
So here's what's gonna happen...every week I'm going tell you all about what's happening in California as I see it, AND I'm going to tell about an adventure until I run out of stories and after I run out, maybe I'll start creating new adventures!!
Week 1:
After the last couple of AWESOME months hanging out with some great folks, it was VERY hard to leave MO! I cried for most of the first day of driving, my poor sister didn't know what to do with me...we ended up in Denver that night with a great hostess Jenn! She had just moved into a new house, yet set up beds and the bathroom with all the fixin's...even made us a fabulous Fettuccine Alfredo dinner. We slept for about 6 or 7 hours and got up early to make the last LOOONGG trek home. Except...my sister got the flu and I had to drive most of the way...we made it by midnight after just two days of driving a total of 2000ish miles. I had a lot of time to think and beyond just missing people, my mind was full of regret and the inability to grasp the idea that I am a Californian again. My hope as I re-boot my life is that I can learn from all the mistakes I've made and be confident in the person I've grown into the last 8 years.
Today I left my parents house a little sickly and landed in San Jose to house sit for my best friends soon-to-be sister in-law. Its a bomb-diggity house with the coolest pool and hot tub...also the cutest lil' pups to hang out with. Feeling sick in a new place all alone for the first time in a couple months has left me feeling a little sad, a little empty and unsure if my decisions were good ones. Hopefully, the adage that things will be better in the morning holds true.
Dating Adventure 1:
Back in the day..waay back...when AOL was new...I met a random guy in a chat room... we chatted quite often and at the time I was a pretty zealous Christian and he was a devout Orthodox Catholic...so he said! At some point...probably a few weeks after chatting or talking on the phone for a couple months...he basically asked me when we were going to have sex...and that's where it ended! I learned a ton about Orthodox Catholicism and for that I will truly be grateful and one would think that I would have run far away from online dating, but no it's just getting started...but that's for next week!
I just moved back to California after living in Missouri for 8 years...a bit weird, idn't it!! At some point I'll get into the why's and what's. For several years now my friends have been bugging me to write about my online dating adventures (I carefully chose that word) and I have the time and the inspiration...
So here's what's gonna happen...every week I'm going tell you all about what's happening in California as I see it, AND I'm going to tell about an adventure until I run out of stories and after I run out, maybe I'll start creating new adventures!!
Week 1:
After the last couple of AWESOME months hanging out with some great folks, it was VERY hard to leave MO! I cried for most of the first day of driving, my poor sister didn't know what to do with me...we ended up in Denver that night with a great hostess Jenn! She had just moved into a new house, yet set up beds and the bathroom with all the fixin's...even made us a fabulous Fettuccine Alfredo dinner. We slept for about 6 or 7 hours and got up early to make the last LOOONGG trek home. Except...my sister got the flu and I had to drive most of the way...we made it by midnight after just two days of driving a total of 2000ish miles. I had a lot of time to think and beyond just missing people, my mind was full of regret and the inability to grasp the idea that I am a Californian again. My hope as I re-boot my life is that I can learn from all the mistakes I've made and be confident in the person I've grown into the last 8 years.
Today I left my parents house a little sickly and landed in San Jose to house sit for my best friends soon-to-be sister in-law. Its a bomb-diggity house with the coolest pool and hot tub...also the cutest lil' pups to hang out with. Feeling sick in a new place all alone for the first time in a couple months has left me feeling a little sad, a little empty and unsure if my decisions were good ones. Hopefully, the adage that things will be better in the morning holds true.
Dating Adventure 1:
Back in the day..waay back...when AOL was new...I met a random guy in a chat room... we chatted quite often and at the time I was a pretty zealous Christian and he was a devout Orthodox Catholic...so he said! At some point...probably a few weeks after chatting or talking on the phone for a couple months...he basically asked me when we were going to have sex...and that's where it ended! I learned a ton about Orthodox Catholicism and for that I will truly be grateful and one would think that I would have run far away from online dating, but no it's just getting started...but that's for next week!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
From one Soul to the other...
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.
Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.
The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted--Sara Bareilles
I swear she knows me inside out...it's weird!
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.
Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.
The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted--Sara Bareilles
I swear she knows me inside out...it's weird!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
1st Quarter...check!
A quarter of the year has passed by, so much has happened...so many life decisions! I have this constant push and pull between wanting things at one moment and then getting them at moments I don't want them anymore...it can be frustrating!!
It's also teaching me a lot about who I want to be...content! It's been a long time since I've felt that way and I need it in my life right now! Some career goals are becoming reality and I need the focus and grounding to be able to accomplish things well.
I finally get to use my group on to jazzercise tomorrow and I can't wait to start feeling better about my body and not so fragile. Working with Habitat for a couple days really showed me that I still have stamina and can do it!!
I'm excited for this new beginning!!
It's also teaching me a lot about who I want to be...content! It's been a long time since I've felt that way and I need it in my life right now! Some career goals are becoming reality and I need the focus and grounding to be able to accomplish things well.
I finally get to use my group on to jazzercise tomorrow and I can't wait to start feeling better about my body and not so fragile. Working with Habitat for a couple days really showed me that I still have stamina and can do it!!
I'm excited for this new beginning!!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Waiting...
It seems like I'm always waiting...and I'm always disappointed that its not the right time yet. I got a really nice compliment on Christmas. I was the catalyst in some monumental life decision in a guy's life...a guy I had hoped and maybe still did would mean something more to me, but alas bad timing AGAIN!! Sooo frustrating...I know I need to be patient and all the right things to say when things don't work out but it just seems that's my lot in life to be a catalyst to something else for other people. I would just like to be the "something else" for someone once. I mean it is great that I know my life is making a difference to people, something I definitely strive for and feel grateful that I even get to know that I am, but selfishly I want more.
I think its this time of year, it just gets lonely without someone close to you! and...lots of time on your hands :)
I think its this time of year, it just gets lonely without someone close to you! and...lots of time on your hands :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)