Walking in Memphis...

So I know I've missed a couple days and believe me I can't wait to write about them because they have been truly eventful, but I'm leaving for Memphis today and cannot wait to be ten feet off Beale and just relaxing with some good friends!

So I'll see you soon cyberworld...

Writing on the wall...

Do you ever have those moments of clarity when everything you see or do is pointing you in one direction? I feel like they happen all the time, it's simply a matter of whether I pay attention to them or not.

Conversations are a funny thing...they can tell you a lot about a person and sometimes they can reveal things in you that you were not even remotely aware of. I love these kinds of conversations...the hard part is being able and willing to do your share of the give and take to even get close to the possibility of that kind of conversation to take place.

The point is this...I am convinced that I am not living up to my own potential. Story of my life...but I am also convinced that I can change. I want to be a person of conviction that is not swayed so easily by outside forces. I want to be secure in who I am both mentally and physically.

I am a firm believer in the holistic nature of humans and that one area cannot function well without all functioning well. So I have decided to get to work on this old crap body of mine...it is in need of some serious change. I know it will be hard and I will want to give up everyday but I know that I cannot grow or change without this first step.

I'm pretty sure no one reads this but by chance you do any encouragement, advice or simply prayer is appreciated.

Chronicles...

Hello Blog world I am giving this a whirl for the err...well fifth time. That's a little deflating...I really want to begin a journey and after reading a friends blog I decided it's time to really buckle down and get some writing done just to prove to myself that I have SOME discipline.

I was thinking earlier today how the timing of things often seems to be my "problem;" but then I thought actually it usually just reminds me that really I should be focusing on me. Not in a narcissistic way but in a becoming a better version of myself way. Instead of waiting around for the perfect life to show up, since we all know that's not real, taking a hold of what's in front of me and creating.

I am tired of feeling constantly in need of a restart button. Though I have no regrets and have loved every moment of life that has brought me here, I do want to change now and so begins a journey.

Another year gone by...

I should never have labeled this blog a daily anything...it's really been a yearly blog...so I renamed it.

I've decided that it's time for a post...the last year has really flown by and I feel like I was in this whirlwind of fun, heartbreak, more stress than I have ever experienced and the creation of many new friendships all mixed up in the middle of a chaotic job.

Somehow I've come out of the last year with some order to all of that and more clarity than ever before. I feel like the last three years I have been wandering in the desert and now I am finally at my destination.

I am happy. I am home.

More than that, I am myself...I know myself and am known by others...such a great treasure; I hope I never take it for granted.

With the sense of contentment comes the drive for more...I have never been a person simply satisfied with what is...so now creativity has been flowing and I know it is because my purpose has returned.

Deep down in my soul I have always known my purpose and the time for running from it is over. I am not meant to be another casualty of societal pressure, but rather a person of influence.

I've decided that it is more offensive to others for me to be anyone other than myself. To deny the path that has led me here or the assurances that have been shown to me in the last 32 years of life is a travesty.

All this to say...I'm done with a lifestyle that numbs me rather than enriches me...I'm done pretending that I don't live, breathe and die because of a savior who first did that for me...I'm done letting the behavior and opinion of others persuade me from having my own.

It feels really good to connect with my God and to be on a road that leads to health.

It feels good to have uncertain faith.

I have meaningful relationships with my students and that is all I ever wanted. To be able to speak into their lives because of mutual respect and see them become amazing people that make awesome decisions.

Having said all of this...it is terribly disappointing to see people you care about make really awful decisions...it's one of those moments when you see your own mistakes so clearly and wish they did not have to experience them. Yet I know how it feels to be making them too and it doesn't matter what anyone says...it is truly up to the individual to make good or bad choices.

I wish sometimes that I could shell up and be a closed person; however, it is simply not my nature and I don't think it ever will be.

Anyway...just some thoughts on a nice Saturday evening with me!

ramblings

I can't believe I don't know you...that you're not in my life...I think its good...but it sucks...I wish I wasn't so holistic and that the desire to hold onto being known would leave me.

I know that I need more of God and less of this stinky, bitter, angry goo that has consumed me in every way for absolutely too long. I always thought that the phrase we grow or change from the inside out only referred to the good kinds of change...but it is the same with the bad too...somehow all this time I have been just waiting for something anything to make things the way they were before I knew you and instead of growing I have been rotting and now even my body can't hide how rotten I've become...In every way I am unhealthy and unhappy...I miss the newness of God and delighting in Him and being so secure in his love...really not just intellectually but really abiding in Him, trusting Him, being in love with Him.

I'm glad you're gone and that I have a chance to make this right to be who I am supposed to be...to follow the path that God set me on and to not be afraid of it or doubt it anymore.

I want to live and really live to impact others not just positively, but for the kingdom...I want to be love to others without expectation.

Anyway...just some thoughts on a lonely night!

A fresh start...

So it has been entirely too long (like over a year) since I have written here and I am feeling like I need a place to well place my thoughts. Life has become a bit overwhelming and the time has come to use writing as an escape again...I'm not really sure why I stop when I know it is so good for me...its like I'm not sure why I run from God when I need Him the most...even though I know that I need Him..weird.

Since my last post I have created many memories, cried with several friends, lost some friends to bigger cities, graduated with my Masters, and started my student affairs career path at Drury University as a Hall Director.

I have to admit...it took me by surprise how my body doesn't enjoy the college environment as much as I do...I finally had to admit to myself that even though I still may look young I am not young anymore.

I do love being around college students though...getting to walk through their college experience with them and just meet these incredible souls makes all the body aches worth it.

Other transitions have been a little difficult...I miss my soul mate friends...when I came to MO I had too many to keep up with regularly and now many of them are gone...not gone...we will always be connected...but just having those people who know you best close by is something I took for granted. It is fun finding new ones and the adventure of learning about someone new...but it has been harder than I realized it would be...it makes that longing for what was feeling a little more blaring.

anyway...check back next year when I post again...JK...well maybe :)

Just purging...

I hate that I can't hate you.
I hate the way I won't escape you.
I hate that my thoughts of you never leave.

I hate that I can't forget you or
remember that I hate you
But I can't because I don't.

I hate that your eyes captivate me and
I hate your kindness because
the sting of both overwhelms me.

I hate that I want something that doesn't exist
and I hate that you do too.
I hate that you won't know me,
when you're only the one who did.

I hate that I am changed by you and
I hate losing my pride by admitting
that I hate how you control me.

I hate that I want to wish you well and
I hate caring that you don't care at all,
but mostly I hate that I love you.

I hate that I can't hate, it seems easier,
but I do not hate that the
God who lives in me, lives in you.

I hope I never learn to hate and
I hope to continue to learn to love,
even though I hate it!