I hate that I can't hate you.
I hate the way I won't escape you.
I hate that my thoughts of you never leave.
I hate that I can't forget you or
remember that I hate you
But I can't because I don't.
I hate that your eyes captivate me and
I hate your kindness because
the sting of both overwhelms me.
I hate that I want something that doesn't exist
and I hate that you do too.
I hate that you won't know me,
when you're only the one who did.
I hate that I am changed by you and
I hate losing my pride by admitting
that I hate how you control me.
I hate that I want to wish you well and
I hate caring that you don't care at all,
but mostly I hate that I love you.
I hate that I can't hate, it seems easier,
but I do not hate that the
God who lives in me, lives in you.
I hope I never learn to hate and
I hope to continue to learn to love,
even though I hate it!
Monday, May 7, 2007
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Cracka What????
The only way I can really describe how I've been feeling lately is strange!
A lot has taken place, I moved, Karen (my roommate and close friend) moved to WA, I got a promotion at work, Tamara (another close friend) is leaving at the end of the week for GA...
I'm not sure if it's just hormonal imbalance or if there is something terribly wrong with me, but I have this empty sort of feeling...like I don't know who I am again or where I'm going exactly, it's like I was sailing on this ocean liner and then a severe storm came and rocked the whole ship apart and now I'm trying to make it through the storm with just a raft.
I was feeling so ready to begin a new chapter and I started off with such gusto and anticipation of the great things that are to come...So why do I still find myself longing for what was and I know that it's futile, particularly now that the possibility of re-gaining what was is completely lost, yet those memories are still so fresh, I don't ever remember feeling this much anguish for this long over other lost things...I want to be done with it because I want to be ready again and right now I am not ready which sucks! I can't believe its May already, maybe when I'm finally done with school this week I'll feel better, we'll see!
I think maybe me and Jesus need some one on one time, maybe I'm missing Him and not all these haunting memories!
P.S. I cut off all my hair...pictures to come soon!
PS.S. The title of this post was taken from the comedy styings of Mr. Mike Birbiglia, if you've never heard of him, I strongly reccomend you do something about that immediately!
A lot has taken place, I moved, Karen (my roommate and close friend) moved to WA, I got a promotion at work, Tamara (another close friend) is leaving at the end of the week for GA...
I'm not sure if it's just hormonal imbalance or if there is something terribly wrong with me, but I have this empty sort of feeling...like I don't know who I am again or where I'm going exactly, it's like I was sailing on this ocean liner and then a severe storm came and rocked the whole ship apart and now I'm trying to make it through the storm with just a raft.
I was feeling so ready to begin a new chapter and I started off with such gusto and anticipation of the great things that are to come...So why do I still find myself longing for what was and I know that it's futile, particularly now that the possibility of re-gaining what was is completely lost, yet those memories are still so fresh, I don't ever remember feeling this much anguish for this long over other lost things...I want to be done with it because I want to be ready again and right now I am not ready which sucks! I can't believe its May already, maybe when I'm finally done with school this week I'll feel better, we'll see!
I think maybe me and Jesus need some one on one time, maybe I'm missing Him and not all these haunting memories!
P.S. I cut off all my hair...pictures to come soon!
PS.S. The title of this post was taken from the comedy styings of Mr. Mike Birbiglia, if you've never heard of him, I strongly reccomend you do something about that immediately!
Friday, April 27, 2007
Incredible God
It is so strange to me how incredible God is making things, I mean how He is making things in me. How the thought of being alone for more than a couple days would bum me out and how the most meaningful experiences with God were only through amazing worship (music) and prayer times or incredible miracles. Yet, in the last few months God has shown me himself in new places, like in solitary quiet moments and months even or through His word or through a book or a song...He just keeps showing up and every time I act surprised as if I didn't believe that God is in everything. It just proves to me ever still that God is fiercely trying to capture my whole heart and how wonderful it feels to be pursued by the Creator of the Universe, I mean can you handle that! I can't help but tear up because the swelling of love in my soul is about to burst. God loves me! He is in love with me! How could that be? I definitely don't deserve it, I have mistreated no one the way that I have mistreated my Savior. It's horrible. But that's what grace is, right? I feel like Paul, when he talks about what things he's had and what things he's lost, how he's known the heights of joy and has gone down to the depths of pain. Yet, despite all of his whole life, it is worth it all to know Christ and nothing can ever compare.
Another thing God is teaching me right now is how to be patient. Anyone who knows me would tell you patience is not something I know much about. However, I have learned that waiting is better and that it gets easier the longer you do it. Apart of that has to do with words, I used to be quick to share anything about myself with anyone and could easily open myself to people. Now I find myself waiting to think about what I really feel and to know what should be expressed and in what way. I have never before been so lost in my own thoughts as I have been lately.
I'm also discovering that I love writing, I love that I can share my thoughts here and that if for no other reason than that they are spoken into the world, whether heard or not, I got to speak.
The last thing I want to share is this amazing song that my great friend shared with me. The words capture exactly how I've felt these past few months.
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
BY Ginny Owens
Another thing God is teaching me right now is how to be patient. Anyone who knows me would tell you patience is not something I know much about. However, I have learned that waiting is better and that it gets easier the longer you do it. Apart of that has to do with words, I used to be quick to share anything about myself with anyone and could easily open myself to people. Now I find myself waiting to think about what I really feel and to know what should be expressed and in what way. I have never before been so lost in my own thoughts as I have been lately.
I'm also discovering that I love writing, I love that I can share my thoughts here and that if for no other reason than that they are spoken into the world, whether heard or not, I got to speak.
The last thing I want to share is this amazing song that my great friend shared with me. The words capture exactly how I've felt these past few months.
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the sufferin' Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to
BY Ginny Owens
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Soul Cravings
I’ve gotten through the first 17 journal entries in Erwin McManus’ book, Soul Cravings, and as I’m reading each one I keep thinking, “oh I should post this, it’s really good stuff” but then I keep reading and all of it is just so good, so I highly recommend it because I can’t post the whole book on here.
One part really stirred me though. McManus talks about our need or craving for intimacy and love not only with and from God, but with each other. He has even gone as far to say that it is really in the context of people that you find your identity. And not just anyone, healthy people. Our identity or how self-aware we are comes from our interactions with others.
So this got me thinking, this semester my classes have been about theory. One class focused in on Student Development Theory. Basically, they are ideas that people (educated people) came up with to try and explain how identities develop in college students. Identity development is classified as phenomena, it's not the same for everyone, and all we can do is know the proxemics of the possibilities of how a person develops.
In this class, I was asked to write my college experience story in the context of one theory. I won't bore you with all the connections to theory, but the one thing that stood out, particularly after reading what McManus said, is how without particular people in my path, I do not know if I would know myself the way that I do.
What I mean is that this gift of being able to see myself through someone else’s eyes changed the way my eyes see.
It is one thing to know that I was created in the image of God and that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, blah, blah, blah, BUT it is a complete other thing for someone close to you or even a stranger to say or do something that reflects that knowledge. And trust me most of these times of seeing myself through others has not been fun, in fact they were usually painful and ugly.
The best example I can think of is to tell you about my friend Lissa and I. She and I could not be more opposite personalities; it was as if we spoke completely different languages. Yet, at first sight we thought we were meant to be friends, we were both starting college a little older than everyone else and we had the same interests and we were neighbors. Digging further into knowing each other we recognized the difficulties our personality differences were making. Most of my friendships up to that point were short-lived for one reason or another, so naturally I thought well we don't get along so we probably just won't be friends. But Lissa would not allow that, I’ll never forget that night sitting in our dorm room and her looking me square in the face and telling me "We're friends and that means good or bad you're stuck with me because I love you no matter how hard this relationship becomes." Of course I was balling my eyes out (hey I’m a girl) but it was because I had never experienced someone so fiercely fighting to keep me in their life, nor anyone so committed and what’s more I didn't deserve her friendship.
That night and my friendship with this amazing girl changed my life forever. It allowed me the freedom to make mistakes and fall without the fear that I would end up alone. Because of Lissa and a host of friends that followed I was able to let out all the ugly parts of myself and take a deep gaze. It was so painful. But walking through the mucky parts with my friends holding my hands the whole way made it possible to let go of the muck and become something new.
The reason I can know myself today is a result of others choosing to know me also and the gift of their friendship allowed me to get glimpses for good or bad of who I am and who I am meant to be.
They showed me in real life what unconditional love looks like and how to identify myself as a created thing by this great God.
You will never know the impact someone will have on your life, nor will you know the impact you could have on others, so keep your eyes open.
One part really stirred me though. McManus talks about our need or craving for intimacy and love not only with and from God, but with each other. He has even gone as far to say that it is really in the context of people that you find your identity. And not just anyone, healthy people. Our identity or how self-aware we are comes from our interactions with others.
So this got me thinking, this semester my classes have been about theory. One class focused in on Student Development Theory. Basically, they are ideas that people (educated people) came up with to try and explain how identities develop in college students. Identity development is classified as phenomena, it's not the same for everyone, and all we can do is know the proxemics of the possibilities of how a person develops.
In this class, I was asked to write my college experience story in the context of one theory. I won't bore you with all the connections to theory, but the one thing that stood out, particularly after reading what McManus said, is how without particular people in my path, I do not know if I would know myself the way that I do.
What I mean is that this gift of being able to see myself through someone else’s eyes changed the way my eyes see.
It is one thing to know that I was created in the image of God and that nothing can separate me from the love of Christ, blah, blah, blah, BUT it is a complete other thing for someone close to you or even a stranger to say or do something that reflects that knowledge. And trust me most of these times of seeing myself through others has not been fun, in fact they were usually painful and ugly.
The best example I can think of is to tell you about my friend Lissa and I. She and I could not be more opposite personalities; it was as if we spoke completely different languages. Yet, at first sight we thought we were meant to be friends, we were both starting college a little older than everyone else and we had the same interests and we were neighbors. Digging further into knowing each other we recognized the difficulties our personality differences were making. Most of my friendships up to that point were short-lived for one reason or another, so naturally I thought well we don't get along so we probably just won't be friends. But Lissa would not allow that, I’ll never forget that night sitting in our dorm room and her looking me square in the face and telling me "We're friends and that means good or bad you're stuck with me because I love you no matter how hard this relationship becomes." Of course I was balling my eyes out (hey I’m a girl) but it was because I had never experienced someone so fiercely fighting to keep me in their life, nor anyone so committed and what’s more I didn't deserve her friendship.
That night and my friendship with this amazing girl changed my life forever. It allowed me the freedom to make mistakes and fall without the fear that I would end up alone. Because of Lissa and a host of friends that followed I was able to let out all the ugly parts of myself and take a deep gaze. It was so painful. But walking through the mucky parts with my friends holding my hands the whole way made it possible to let go of the muck and become something new.
The reason I can know myself today is a result of others choosing to know me also and the gift of their friendship allowed me to get glimpses for good or bad of who I am and who I am meant to be.
They showed me in real life what unconditional love looks like and how to identify myself as a created thing by this great God.
You will never know the impact someone will have on your life, nor will you know the impact you could have on others, so keep your eyes open.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Sunshine
This weekend filled my cup...I was so glad to get out into the fresh air and take in the goodness of warm air and the soft pillow like clouds and ofcourse the sunshine. I decided to take a walk and ended up walking for about a couple hours. I forgot how great it is to just take in God's creation and talk to Him at the same time; it was wonderful. I was feeling great until later when I realized that I had gotten a couple blisters and a sunburn that included leaving a little Sicily shaped white mark where my necklace of Sicily is...oh well...I did not get much accomplished of which I will pay severly for this week, but I don't care!
I love all the newness in the air too! All in all great weekend...oh except no one should ever see the movie Marie Antoinette, it was horrible...other than wasting those two hours of existence life rocked.
I also got some great new books...Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus (thanks Zach) is one of them...I'll let you know how it turns out!
I love all the newness in the air too! All in all great weekend...oh except no one should ever see the movie Marie Antoinette, it was horrible...other than wasting those two hours of existence life rocked.
I also got some great new books...Soul Cravings by Erwin McManus (thanks Zach) is one of them...I'll let you know how it turns out!
Friday, April 20, 2007
What is reality?
I was reading the other day that reality is not bound by circumstance and/or feelings but by the truth of God.
What does that mean?
To a realist this sounded ridiculous, I am all about faith and believing what you do not see, but calling it reality is a bit of a stretch for me. So I was thinking what is my reality or how am I perceiving the world right now?
Reality right now in terms of circumstance and feelings is that I have to figure out how to motivate myself to care about two projects that have to be completed by next Wednesday; I have to find the strength and diligence to move into my new apartment while working on those projects; I also have to make time for two close friends who are moving far away before they are gone in the next two weeks; I have to prepare for a grueling Summer filled with four classes and a practicum; I have to wait and see if the job I have always wanted will actually come my way and decide if it is still what I really want, soon!
I feel sort of numb to everything because to feel anything right now is simply too much. Why is it that transition in my life has to be so completely dramatic? Oh and while figuring all this stuff out, I also need to try and keep my stress in check otherwise my body might completely shut down, like last semester, which is ironic because I worry about my stress creating additional stress...arghh!
However, I do know this...though I choose different semantics, I think, to describe this alternate "reality" I do believe it is the same...Because this is what God's truth says, he is for me and not against me, he has purpose for everything in my life, he is good and faithful, nothing can separate me from his love, and one day whether I am lucky enough to see why all this had to happen or not, I will be grateful it did; one day I will not be in school *Praise Jesus* and my friends that I am losing will not be truly gone!
God really does have me in His grip and I am grateful because that is my one glimmer of light in the tunnel of darkness right now! I wish I could see more of the plan he has, but learning to Trust my God, though frightfully painful, is proving to be worth it!
I wish I had read Ecclesiastes a couple months ago...but I'm glad I did today...you should check it out, it just might change your life!
I suppose the big question of life is whose reality will you choose to see...the one that is one-dimensional and based on human eyesight or the one that is beyond dimensions altogether and has infinite bendable eyes...I think today I will choose the latter and see what happens!
What does that mean?
To a realist this sounded ridiculous, I am all about faith and believing what you do not see, but calling it reality is a bit of a stretch for me. So I was thinking what is my reality or how am I perceiving the world right now?
Reality right now in terms of circumstance and feelings is that I have to figure out how to motivate myself to care about two projects that have to be completed by next Wednesday; I have to find the strength and diligence to move into my new apartment while working on those projects; I also have to make time for two close friends who are moving far away before they are gone in the next two weeks; I have to prepare for a grueling Summer filled with four classes and a practicum; I have to wait and see if the job I have always wanted will actually come my way and decide if it is still what I really want, soon!
I feel sort of numb to everything because to feel anything right now is simply too much. Why is it that transition in my life has to be so completely dramatic? Oh and while figuring all this stuff out, I also need to try and keep my stress in check otherwise my body might completely shut down, like last semester, which is ironic because I worry about my stress creating additional stress...arghh!
However, I do know this...though I choose different semantics, I think, to describe this alternate "reality" I do believe it is the same...Because this is what God's truth says, he is for me and not against me, he has purpose for everything in my life, he is good and faithful, nothing can separate me from his love, and one day whether I am lucky enough to see why all this had to happen or not, I will be grateful it did; one day I will not be in school *Praise Jesus* and my friends that I am losing will not be truly gone!
God really does have me in His grip and I am grateful because that is my one glimmer of light in the tunnel of darkness right now! I wish I could see more of the plan he has, but learning to Trust my God, though frightfully painful, is proving to be worth it!
I wish I had read Ecclesiastes a couple months ago...but I'm glad I did today...you should check it out, it just might change your life!
I suppose the big question of life is whose reality will you choose to see...the one that is one-dimensional and based on human eyesight or the one that is beyond dimensions altogether and has infinite bendable eyes...I think today I will choose the latter and see what happens!
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