Here I go again...

So I know I've re-booted this blog so many times...but I feel like I have a theme this  time...I also don't have a job and changed my entire life, so I may have a few things to say!

I just moved back to California after living in Missouri for 8 years...a bit weird, idn't it!! At some point I'll get into the why's and what's. For several years now my friends have been bugging me to write about my online dating adventures (I carefully chose that word) and I have the time and the inspiration...

So here's what's gonna happen...every week I'm going tell you all about what's happening in California as I see it, AND I'm going to tell about an adventure until I run out of stories and after I run out, maybe I'll start creating new adventures!!

Week 1:
After the last couple of AWESOME months hanging out with some great folks, it was VERY hard to leave MO! I cried for most of the first day of driving, my poor sister didn't know what to do with me...we ended up in Denver that night with a great hostess Jenn! She had just moved into a new house, yet set up beds and the bathroom with all the fixin's...even made us a fabulous Fettuccine Alfredo dinner. We slept for about 6 or 7 hours and got up early to make the last LOOONGG trek home. Except...my sister got the flu and I had to drive most of the way...we made it by midnight after just two days of driving a total of 2000ish miles. I had a lot of time to think and beyond just missing people, my mind was full of regret and the inability to grasp the idea that I am a Californian again. My hope as I re-boot my life is that I can learn from all the mistakes I've made and be confident in the person I've grown into the last 8 years.

Today I left my parents house a little sickly and landed in San Jose to house sit for my best friends soon-to-be sister in-law. Its a bomb-diggity house with the coolest pool and hot tub...also the cutest lil' pups to hang out with. Feeling sick in a new place all alone for the first time in a couple months has left me feeling a little sad, a little empty and unsure if my decisions were good ones. Hopefully, the adage that things will be better in the morning holds true.

Dating Adventure 1:
Back in the day..waay back...when AOL was new...I met a random guy in a chat room... we chatted quite often and at the time I was a pretty zealous Christian and he was a devout Orthodox Catholic...so he said! At some point...probably a few weeks after chatting or talking on the phone for a couple months...he basically asked me when we were going to have sex...and that's where it ended! I learned a ton about Orthodox Catholicism and for that I will truly be grateful and one would think that I would have run far away from online dating, but no it's just getting started...but that's for next week!

From one Soul to the other...

A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted--Sara Bareilles

I swear she knows me inside out...it's weird!

1st Quarter...check!

A quarter of the year has passed by, so much has happened...so many life decisions! I have this constant push and pull between wanting things at one moment and then getting them at moments I don't want them anymore...it can be frustrating!!

It's also teaching me a lot about who I want to be...content! It's been a long time since I've felt that way and I need it in my life right now! Some career goals are becoming reality and I need the focus and grounding to be able to accomplish things well.

I finally get to use my group on to jazzercise tomorrow and I can't wait to start feeling better about my body and not so fragile. Working with Habitat for a couple days really showed me that I still have stamina and can do it!!

I'm excited for this new beginning!!

Waiting...

It seems like I'm always waiting...and I'm always disappointed that its not the right time yet. I got a really nice compliment on Christmas. I was the catalyst in some monumental life decision in a guy's life...a guy I had hoped and maybe still did would mean something more to me, but alas bad timing AGAIN!! Sooo frustrating...I know I need to be patient and all the right things to say when things don't work out but it just seems that's my lot in life to be a catalyst to something else for other people. I would just like to be the "something else" for someone once. I mean it is great that I know my life is making a difference to people, something I definitely strive for and feel grateful that I even get to know that I am, but selfishly I want more.

I think its this time of year, it just gets lonely without someone close to you! and...lots of time on your hands :)

Seriously...did that just happen???

It's really unfortunate when someone misrepresents themselves on paper and is simply just good with vocabulary, only to find that they are nothing like what appeared to be in person. And when I say unfortunate I mean it sucks!

After carefully reviewing a match who contacted me on a popular online dating site, I decided to buy a membership to see where it goes, you got to take chances every once in awhile. After some emails we decided to meet. Now I was not hopeful, but also hoped I was wrong about the bad gut feeling I already had. I was not wrong.

But...I didn't want to be too hasty in my decision...so we went out again! I was SOOO not wrong!!

Now I was left with the dilemma of stringing the poor guy along, a guy who clearly does not know how the world perceives him or how inappropriate he is. Well because he seemed sort of innocent and kind (even though, a total social ignoramus) I thought I should also be kind and let him know up front that I'm just not interested. So because we had been emailing and texting and never talked on the phone I emailed him a nice note.

Ignoramus indeed!! He started berating me with the why's? and the I don't understands and the can't we talk about this...and the you owe me's...blah blah blah

It was two dates and this guy acted like we were married and breaking up...and it was really cute when he said he was not immature because he tried to get a PHD and was married but is now divorced as if those things are badges of maturity...awe poor guy...I just hope he's not a stalker EEK!

Lesson learned: follow your gut...ALWAYS!!

Reviving Ophelia...

So this book was a required read in college and I remember reading it in one night because it was so gripping reading the stories of young girls in desperate unimaginable situations and finding it very cathartic thinking about my own desperate unimaginable situation as a young adult.

Tonight I watched a movie with the same name and of course involving a teenage abusive relationships...it surprised me how it affected me because I knew it would bring up some memories, but I didn't expect to only remember the bad ones. In the past, I usually remember the best parts of the relationship and still wonder if the abuse was real or even if it really was all my fault. Yet, this time all I could see and remember was how bad it was and how people must have seen me then and it made me really sad and also really grateful. So grateful that I got away and have had such a beautiful life, but it also makes me wonder if my "lack of" success in relationships has been because I've carried some of that sadness with me...who knows?

As I listened about wisdom today in church it inspired me to keep persisting in the pursuit of wisdom...thanks Solid Rock!!

Gally get outta my gut!!

So I fail...my attempt to be a regular blogger completely failed. No excuses, no analyzing this time...just failed. I'm okay with that!

So much has happened and not just life events, but actual change. Like the kind of change you constantly hope for or long for at times. For the first time in three years I feel like me...and not just the me I remember, but the best to date version of me and yet at the core just me.

The funny thing is...it took breaking my ankle to realize how out of shape and unhealthy I've been and give me the determination to do something about it, even have the patience to move slowly (not my usual style). Some of that patience was forced on me and I'm glad it was...somehow through all the time I've had to do nothing because at times there was nothing I could do...it helped me find myself again, of course I think God played a part in there too.

So I'm feeling great...ankle is healing well (better than expected)...and then not a week after I met with a weight loss coach, made agreements with an accountability partner, and purchased a kitchen full of healthy food...my final and worst gallbladder attack hit me so hard I'm lucky to be alive. I say final attack because after surgery the doctor discovered that my organ was completely gangrene and that I was lucky it didn't burst or cause pancreatitus (which coincidentally a co-worker is recovering from, no bueno)! When I asked how long it would take to make it so infected, they said several years...now that I know what that attack is, I can trace the first time all the way back to sophomore year in college. I ate Taco Bell late at night and immediately felt so sick I thought I would die all night and then the next day felt fine...over the years I've had similar incidents that I just never put together and never went to a doctor for. Crazy! Moral of this story...call the nurse or go to the doctor when something isn't right!

What's crazier is that now that I don't have a gally (coined by Rachie btw) I have to get used to a new digestive system and get this...can't eat fatty or greasy food unless I want to feel bad for a day or so...HA! And I have energy now so that I actually want to exercise, even though all I can do is walk, I honestly can't wait to.

It's been fantastic to be recovering at home and have the time to catch up with friends and family and remember what's important and mostly to just be able to reflect and realize how wonderful and precious my life really is and how grateful and blessed I am to have and know some of the best people on the planet.

I'm not going to make any promises about keeping up with this...but this was nice!