Reviving Ophelia...

So this book was a required read in college and I remember reading it in one night because it was so gripping reading the stories of young girls in desperate unimaginable situations and finding it very cathartic thinking about my own desperate unimaginable situation as a young adult.

Tonight I watched a movie with the same name and of course involving a teenage abusive relationships...it surprised me how it affected me because I knew it would bring up some memories, but I didn't expect to only remember the bad ones. In the past, I usually remember the best parts of the relationship and still wonder if the abuse was real or even if it really was all my fault. Yet, this time all I could see and remember was how bad it was and how people must have seen me then and it made me really sad and also really grateful. So grateful that I got away and have had such a beautiful life, but it also makes me wonder if my "lack of" success in relationships has been because I've carried some of that sadness with me...who knows?

As I listened about wisdom today in church it inspired me to keep persisting in the pursuit of wisdom...thanks Solid Rock!!

Gally get outta my gut!!

So I fail...my attempt to be a regular blogger completely failed. No excuses, no analyzing this time...just failed. I'm okay with that!

So much has happened and not just life events, but actual change. Like the kind of change you constantly hope for or long for at times. For the first time in three years I feel like me...and not just the me I remember, but the best to date version of me and yet at the core just me.

The funny thing is...it took breaking my ankle to realize how out of shape and unhealthy I've been and give me the determination to do something about it, even have the patience to move slowly (not my usual style). Some of that patience was forced on me and I'm glad it was...somehow through all the time I've had to do nothing because at times there was nothing I could do...it helped me find myself again, of course I think God played a part in there too.

So I'm feeling great...ankle is healing well (better than expected)...and then not a week after I met with a weight loss coach, made agreements with an accountability partner, and purchased a kitchen full of healthy food...my final and worst gallbladder attack hit me so hard I'm lucky to be alive. I say final attack because after surgery the doctor discovered that my organ was completely gangrene and that I was lucky it didn't burst or cause pancreatitus (which coincidentally a co-worker is recovering from, no bueno)! When I asked how long it would take to make it so infected, they said several years...now that I know what that attack is, I can trace the first time all the way back to sophomore year in college. I ate Taco Bell late at night and immediately felt so sick I thought I would die all night and then the next day felt fine...over the years I've had similar incidents that I just never put together and never went to a doctor for. Crazy! Moral of this story...call the nurse or go to the doctor when something isn't right!

What's crazier is that now that I don't have a gally (coined by Rachie btw) I have to get used to a new digestive system and get this...can't eat fatty or greasy food unless I want to feel bad for a day or so...HA! And I have energy now so that I actually want to exercise, even though all I can do is walk, I honestly can't wait to.

It's been fantastic to be recovering at home and have the time to catch up with friends and family and remember what's important and mostly to just be able to reflect and realize how wonderful and precious my life really is and how grateful and blessed I am to have and know some of the best people on the planet.

I'm not going to make any promises about keeping up with this...but this was nice!

Walking in Memphis...

So I know I've missed a couple days and believe me I can't wait to write about them because they have been truly eventful, but I'm leaving for Memphis today and cannot wait to be ten feet off Beale and just relaxing with some good friends!

So I'll see you soon cyberworld...

Writing on the wall...

Do you ever have those moments of clarity when everything you see or do is pointing you in one direction? I feel like they happen all the time, it's simply a matter of whether I pay attention to them or not.

Conversations are a funny thing...they can tell you a lot about a person and sometimes they can reveal things in you that you were not even remotely aware of. I love these kinds of conversations...the hard part is being able and willing to do your share of the give and take to even get close to the possibility of that kind of conversation to take place.

The point is this...I am convinced that I am not living up to my own potential. Story of my life...but I am also convinced that I can change. I want to be a person of conviction that is not swayed so easily by outside forces. I want to be secure in who I am both mentally and physically.

I am a firm believer in the holistic nature of humans and that one area cannot function well without all functioning well. So I have decided to get to work on this old crap body of mine...it is in need of some serious change. I know it will be hard and I will want to give up everyday but I know that I cannot grow or change without this first step.

I'm pretty sure no one reads this but by chance you do any encouragement, advice or simply prayer is appreciated.

Chronicles...

Hello Blog world I am giving this a whirl for the err...well fifth time. That's a little deflating...I really want to begin a journey and after reading a friends blog I decided it's time to really buckle down and get some writing done just to prove to myself that I have SOME discipline.

I was thinking earlier today how the timing of things often seems to be my "problem;" but then I thought actually it usually just reminds me that really I should be focusing on me. Not in a narcissistic way but in a becoming a better version of myself way. Instead of waiting around for the perfect life to show up, since we all know that's not real, taking a hold of what's in front of me and creating.

I am tired of feeling constantly in need of a restart button. Though I have no regrets and have loved every moment of life that has brought me here, I do want to change now and so begins a journey.

Another year gone by...

I should never have labeled this blog a daily anything...it's really been a yearly blog...so I renamed it.

I've decided that it's time for a post...the last year has really flown by and I feel like I was in this whirlwind of fun, heartbreak, more stress than I have ever experienced and the creation of many new friendships all mixed up in the middle of a chaotic job.

Somehow I've come out of the last year with some order to all of that and more clarity than ever before. I feel like the last three years I have been wandering in the desert and now I am finally at my destination.

I am happy. I am home.

More than that, I am myself...I know myself and am known by others...such a great treasure; I hope I never take it for granted.

With the sense of contentment comes the drive for more...I have never been a person simply satisfied with what is...so now creativity has been flowing and I know it is because my purpose has returned.

Deep down in my soul I have always known my purpose and the time for running from it is over. I am not meant to be another casualty of societal pressure, but rather a person of influence.

I've decided that it is more offensive to others for me to be anyone other than myself. To deny the path that has led me here or the assurances that have been shown to me in the last 32 years of life is a travesty.

All this to say...I'm done with a lifestyle that numbs me rather than enriches me...I'm done pretending that I don't live, breathe and die because of a savior who first did that for me...I'm done letting the behavior and opinion of others persuade me from having my own.

It feels really good to connect with my God and to be on a road that leads to health.

It feels good to have uncertain faith.

I have meaningful relationships with my students and that is all I ever wanted. To be able to speak into their lives because of mutual respect and see them become amazing people that make awesome decisions.

Having said all of this...it is terribly disappointing to see people you care about make really awful decisions...it's one of those moments when you see your own mistakes so clearly and wish they did not have to experience them. Yet I know how it feels to be making them too and it doesn't matter what anyone says...it is truly up to the individual to make good or bad choices.

I wish sometimes that I could shell up and be a closed person; however, it is simply not my nature and I don't think it ever will be.

Anyway...just some thoughts on a nice Saturday evening with me!

ramblings

I can't believe I don't know you...that you're not in my life...I think its good...but it sucks...I wish I wasn't so holistic and that the desire to hold onto being known would leave me.

I know that I need more of God and less of this stinky, bitter, angry goo that has consumed me in every way for absolutely too long. I always thought that the phrase we grow or change from the inside out only referred to the good kinds of change...but it is the same with the bad too...somehow all this time I have been just waiting for something anything to make things the way they were before I knew you and instead of growing I have been rotting and now even my body can't hide how rotten I've become...In every way I am unhealthy and unhappy...I miss the newness of God and delighting in Him and being so secure in his love...really not just intellectually but really abiding in Him, trusting Him, being in love with Him.

I'm glad you're gone and that I have a chance to make this right to be who I am supposed to be...to follow the path that God set me on and to not be afraid of it or doubt it anymore.

I want to live and really live to impact others not just positively, but for the kingdom...I want to be love to others without expectation.

Anyway...just some thoughts on a lonely night!