Waaay overdue update...for my non existent readers!!

Ok...sooo much has happened since October...being that holy sh** that was a year ago... we'll try with a bulleted abridged version.

• November/December I worked for UPS and interviewed a ton
• January I interviewed a ton and helped my cousin plan and put together his wedding
• February my Aunt in Redding CA called and offered me a job at her property management co
• March I interviewed a ton
• April my offered a second job as an on-site manager with a free apartment and extra income
• May I accepted the position and moved into my new apartment and new life in Redding

Since I've been enjoying life, found a church and small group I love, made new friends, dated (yes that's right dated--plural). Generally, things have been great...got to get back to MO and see everyone and feel confident in my decision to move back to CA. God is so good...recently there have been some bumps that have tried to throw me off course but you know happiness is a decision and Jesus is my source of joy--it just takes time and gentle reminders to remember that and some strength to decide to be happy regardless of what life tries to throw at you.

I promise more dating stories will come...but that's all I got for now!

October...no job...no life...still smiling!

Wow so its October...still jobless...still filling out applications...still interviewing...still waiting!! If I don't come up with $3500 soon I'll be doing major damage to my credit, and possibly have to think about bankruptcy, which obviously I want to avoid...so the one person who might read this, please pray that something happens soon!!

Again...carrot dangled and then nothing...no rejection...no "you're great but..." just nothing!! NOTHING is worse!! I feel more lost than ever, but hopeful...I have some wonderful people in my life who seem to know the right moments I need their encouragement and it has made all the difference. Not to mention the amazing love and support of my family!!!

Enough of that...time to write about the next online dating disaster...disaster is probably not the right word for this next tale because in reality it was one of the best experiences of my life. Because this person is someone whom I respect and still have contact with (minimal but still) I will change his name. This is a story about dating William.

William and I met on yahoo personals...I remember it was when MySpace was still better than Facebook and I didn't want to pay for that yahoo account, so I left clues on how to find me on myspace. William's first email to me was that he found me and it went back and forth for a couple days and then he just asked me out. I remember I was so impressed that he wanted to meet so quickly that I was torn between feeling like this guy would be another joke or maybe the love of my life.

After that first meeting, we were talking and hanging out nearly everyday! Despite my best efforts not to (he admitted on the second date that he was not emotionally ready to get into a relationship) I quickly fell head over heels for this man. He, in my lovesick stupor, seemed to be the best man for me, perfect in every way, except those few things I don't want to think about. Being love drunk is awesome and reckless!! After a month or so we admitted to loving each other and talked about our possible future together and then a month later...it was finished! He realized everything happened too fast and we needed a break. Oh after the 2007 Ice Storm in Missouri, where he stayed with me for almost two weeks and after I said we should not move so fast...but all is easy to see in hindsight and I was too shocked and awed by the entire experience to have my wits about me.

I have never been more heart broken in my life.

Now to understand the full weight of that statement...I need to go a little bit further back...In high school I dated two guys who were thugs and treated me like trash (literally) and then I dated an abusive guy for two years who eventually stalked me (who I was "romeo and juliet" madly in love with) and then I dated a guy 19 years older than me, lived with him and caught him cheating and then he began to bring this girl to our house...All before I turned 20! A few other significant heart breaks followed but...

I repeat...I have never been more heart broken in my life.

I think because of that I was willing to try to be friends...something I tried for 2 years...I was so miserable...but him not in my life felt like it would be more miserable at the time.

Until one day he just really pissed me off and I stopped answering his calls and text messages. After awhile not having him in my life allowed me to heal and move forward...and he called and we could really be friends. He moved away shortly after that and I think he's happy now and I'm definitely happy now without him.

But mostly...I'm absolutely grateful for him...I learned so many important things about myself and life because of him...the biggest lesson being that I can fall in love again...the feeling of meeting a great love has happened to me twice...which tells me its only a feeling and when I meet a man I can't imagine my life without I'm hoping for more than feelings!!!

Next time is another fun story...no more of this heavy mushy feely crap :) And hopefully I'll have better life news to share!!!

From Confident to Lost in 0-60

***WARNING: EMOTIONAL VOMIT AHEAD

When did this happen...just a few months (wow a few months) ago I had an exciting life, every day filled with a new adventure or challenge and most of all laughter and fun! I had an exhilarating life! More than that I had a life that was meaningful, impacting others and a sense of being a part of something bigger.

The longing for home was always amidst that exhilarating life and was nagging louder and louder...which is why I changed my world. The immediate rewards have been beyond wonderful...hanging out with family and friends, getting to participate and plan the weddings of two VERY important people. Which is why its hard to admit that I'm floundering in a sea of emptiness and doubt. How can I be surrounded by such loving and supportive friends and family and feel so low? In a word...REJECTION!

and its not THAT kind of rejection...it's the continual non-recognition of my talent and value...the constant feeling that I don't measure up and that I must be doing something wrong...the deep pit of debt that I'm spiraling into and the WTF do I do question lingering on every breath!

I do not believe in fate or coincidence...I believe in a God who has a plan and while I believe in His plan and His timing...the living out of that belief has become very difficult. I have always thought of myself as someone who puts others before herself, an attribute gained only by God's grace. Its hard to feel worthy of all this struggle when I put myself here...it's  hard not to question every decision and wonder did I do the right thing?

I just want that exhilarating life back or any life so when people ask me about my day or week I have something to say beyond how many books I've finished or applications I've sent. I am a community driven person and was never meant for a life on my own and I'm just trying to hang on to that mustard seed of hope that I will have community again!

Bottom Line: Thank you to friends and family for your unwavering support and encouragement, please don't think I am ungrateful!!!

This Up dOwn business can suck it!!

Hmm...where to begin!

Well job searching has proven to be the most exhausting experience that I was not prepared for. When I set out on this search (back in December) I was confident in finding a position, based on my experience and skills but on the confidence my friends, colleagues and supervisors had in me as well. Yet here I am well beyond traditional start dates and still no job.

Last week, a bright shining glimmer was dangled in front of me and today again I'm left with deep disappointment. I just feel at a total loss, unsure of anything, which is a scary place because I am not good at needing/asking for help and right now I need it in every sense.

The up portion of this rant is I have two interviews this week and one last week that went well. So all is not lost, only the place I wanted, which lets be honest, I usually want things that are no good for me.

I know I owe you a new "online dating" story, but this next one is a doosey and I need more time to write it...so soon, very soon!!

it's all coming back to me now..

Week 2:
This week has been better, not quite as sad as last week. My cousin came to stay with me and we walked around Santana Row (a uber nice outdoor shopping plaza in San Jose). I bought some Mary Janes that feel like slippers from Urban Outfitters...it's nice to be near all the places I love. I also discovered that Elise (my little cousin, who is not little anymore...how she got to be 25 already I don't know) is just as much an 80's fan as me, so some 80's dances/shows are in my near future!

I also got to see my old college roommate and dear friend Lissa and her two adorable boys! It was so nice to be with her and catch up, reminisce and discover how each of us has changed. I was a little worried that moving back I would not connect with old friends the same way...I'm such a different girl than the one who left nearly 8 years ago and I'm discovering neither are many of them. Just as I have changed so have they and most for the better.

I've realized and accepted that the next few months will simply be hard and at times feel unbearable. There is nothing to do but ride it out and re-evaluate after the heartache of missing my Missouri life and people has subsided, though I know it won't truly go away, it won't always feel this painful.

I really did not think things through...so much alone time for this extrovert is a VERY bad thing...so I'm headed to the parentals for some family time and to celebrate the best Daddy there is.

as promised another dating story...

Dating Adventure #2
I've decided the easiest way to go about this is to tell the stories chronologically...while there were many other chat room encounters ( a guy who ended up in Prison, the really nice guy who was just "too" nice, etc.)...my very first face to face date was with a guy named Tim or Timmybear (his match.com handle).

So we met on match.com and talked nearly everyday for about two months. He lived in St. Louis and so meeting up was challenging. Finally, we found a weekend where he could come down and see me. I was living with a lady from church in NIxa at the time and she was very conservative and was not okay with boys spending the night...so I had arranged for him to stay with my friends Elis and Tracy. He met me at my house and shocker number 1...I remember being soooo nervous and I should have been. He looked nothing like the pictures he had posted and not in a good way. But I'm not that vain so I thought thats fine I like who he is so its not that big of a deal.
We go to dinner (at Millies for all my Springfield friends) and conversation was a bit awkward, lots of silences and just weirdness and then I noticed how he curled his lip almost absentmindedly, like a tick. I thought okay hes just nervous too. We left dinner and head out to ArtWalk where we meet up with Elis and Tracy thank God. Pressure was off for a little while, Elis being the great relator immediately picks up conversation with Tim and Tracy and I have a minute to girl talk. The night starts to feel more comfortable and the Tim I had been talking to the last two months finally appears and I feel a little more confident. We end the night back at Elis and Tracy's for coffee and ice cream and we hug goodbye.

The next morning I go over to Elis and Tracy's and they invite us to breakfast with Elis' brother Jay and his wife. Tim really wanted to go so I thought sure. As we're eating Jay asks us how we met and I said the internet, he asked if it was eHarmony and Tim replies no it was match.com, eHarmony wouldn't allow me to be a member. At first I thought well how dumb of them and how strange, but didn't dwell on it too much. After breakfast I drove us down to Branson to park near the dam. We walked around table rock lake for awhile and just talked and really connecting; however, I waiting for some kind of spark of attraction that just wasn't happening. Next we headed to the landing to eat lunch and he picked Joe's Crab Shack (not my favorite place but whatev's) I had a couple beers which at the time affected me quite a bit, as Rhondy would say I started to get my lean on :) So of course I was a little more relaxed and flirty, but Tim just seemed distant. Not good. He drove us back to my house and he was in a hurry to leave, he quickly hugged me thanked me for a good time and was on his way. The last I have ever heard from him was on his way home texting me about how he got a speeding ticket. I called him a couple times after that weekend without a response (I've discovered is a typical guy move when they don't have the balls to just tell you it ain't gonna work out, like I don't already know that, sheesh!). On Monday, however, I was recounting all the events of the weekend to a co-worker who was like, "that's really bizarre that a dating company would not take his money!" It got me thinking, why would eHarmony reject someone? So I called them and asked...the answer I received was that they screen everyone with this personality inventory, that actually gauges emotional readiness for a long-term relationship and makes sure that their clients are psychologically sound. My mind was spinning, so either he was emotionally unavailable or psychotic, I choose to believe the former, but seriously!!!

This is not even close to the weirdest experience...hold on kids!!

Here I go again...

So I know I've re-booted this blog so many times...but I feel like I have a theme this  time...I also don't have a job and changed my entire life, so I may have a few things to say!

I just moved back to California after living in Missouri for 8 years...a bit weird, idn't it!! At some point I'll get into the why's and what's. For several years now my friends have been bugging me to write about my online dating adventures (I carefully chose that word) and I have the time and the inspiration...

So here's what's gonna happen...every week I'm going tell you all about what's happening in California as I see it, AND I'm going to tell about an adventure until I run out of stories and after I run out, maybe I'll start creating new adventures!!

Week 1:
After the last couple of AWESOME months hanging out with some great folks, it was VERY hard to leave MO! I cried for most of the first day of driving, my poor sister didn't know what to do with me...we ended up in Denver that night with a great hostess Jenn! She had just moved into a new house, yet set up beds and the bathroom with all the fixin's...even made us a fabulous Fettuccine Alfredo dinner. We slept for about 6 or 7 hours and got up early to make the last LOOONGG trek home. Except...my sister got the flu and I had to drive most of the way...we made it by midnight after just two days of driving a total of 2000ish miles. I had a lot of time to think and beyond just missing people, my mind was full of regret and the inability to grasp the idea that I am a Californian again. My hope as I re-boot my life is that I can learn from all the mistakes I've made and be confident in the person I've grown into the last 8 years.

Today I left my parents house a little sickly and landed in San Jose to house sit for my best friends soon-to-be sister in-law. Its a bomb-diggity house with the coolest pool and hot tub...also the cutest lil' pups to hang out with. Feeling sick in a new place all alone for the first time in a couple months has left me feeling a little sad, a little empty and unsure if my decisions were good ones. Hopefully, the adage that things will be better in the morning holds true.

Dating Adventure 1:
Back in the day..waay back...when AOL was new...I met a random guy in a chat room... we chatted quite often and at the time I was a pretty zealous Christian and he was a devout Orthodox Catholic...so he said! At some point...probably a few weeks after chatting or talking on the phone for a couple months...he basically asked me when we were going to have sex...and that's where it ended! I learned a ton about Orthodox Catholicism and for that I will truly be grateful and one would think that I would have run far away from online dating, but no it's just getting started...but that's for next week!

From one Soul to the other...

A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted--Sara Bareilles

I swear she knows me inside out...it's weird!

1st Quarter...check!

A quarter of the year has passed by, so much has happened...so many life decisions! I have this constant push and pull between wanting things at one moment and then getting them at moments I don't want them anymore...it can be frustrating!!

It's also teaching me a lot about who I want to be...content! It's been a long time since I've felt that way and I need it in my life right now! Some career goals are becoming reality and I need the focus and grounding to be able to accomplish things well.

I finally get to use my group on to jazzercise tomorrow and I can't wait to start feeling better about my body and not so fragile. Working with Habitat for a couple days really showed me that I still have stamina and can do it!!

I'm excited for this new beginning!!

Waiting...

It seems like I'm always waiting...and I'm always disappointed that its not the right time yet. I got a really nice compliment on Christmas. I was the catalyst in some monumental life decision in a guy's life...a guy I had hoped and maybe still did would mean something more to me, but alas bad timing AGAIN!! Sooo frustrating...I know I need to be patient and all the right things to say when things don't work out but it just seems that's my lot in life to be a catalyst to something else for other people. I would just like to be the "something else" for someone once. I mean it is great that I know my life is making a difference to people, something I definitely strive for and feel grateful that I even get to know that I am, but selfishly I want more.

I think its this time of year, it just gets lonely without someone close to you! and...lots of time on your hands :)

Seriously...did that just happen???

It's really unfortunate when someone misrepresents themselves on paper and is simply just good with vocabulary, only to find that they are nothing like what appeared to be in person. And when I say unfortunate I mean it sucks!

After carefully reviewing a match who contacted me on a popular online dating site, I decided to buy a membership to see where it goes, you got to take chances every once in awhile. After some emails we decided to meet. Now I was not hopeful, but also hoped I was wrong about the bad gut feeling I already had. I was not wrong.

But...I didn't want to be too hasty in my decision...so we went out again! I was SOOO not wrong!!

Now I was left with the dilemma of stringing the poor guy along, a guy who clearly does not know how the world perceives him or how inappropriate he is. Well because he seemed sort of innocent and kind (even though, a total social ignoramus) I thought I should also be kind and let him know up front that I'm just not interested. So because we had been emailing and texting and never talked on the phone I emailed him a nice note.

Ignoramus indeed!! He started berating me with the why's? and the I don't understands and the can't we talk about this...and the you owe me's...blah blah blah

It was two dates and this guy acted like we were married and breaking up...and it was really cute when he said he was not immature because he tried to get a PHD and was married but is now divorced as if those things are badges of maturity...awe poor guy...I just hope he's not a stalker EEK!

Lesson learned: follow your gut...ALWAYS!!

Reviving Ophelia...

So this book was a required read in college and I remember reading it in one night because it was so gripping reading the stories of young girls in desperate unimaginable situations and finding it very cathartic thinking about my own desperate unimaginable situation as a young adult.

Tonight I watched a movie with the same name and of course involving a teenage abusive relationships...it surprised me how it affected me because I knew it would bring up some memories, but I didn't expect to only remember the bad ones. In the past, I usually remember the best parts of the relationship and still wonder if the abuse was real or even if it really was all my fault. Yet, this time all I could see and remember was how bad it was and how people must have seen me then and it made me really sad and also really grateful. So grateful that I got away and have had such a beautiful life, but it also makes me wonder if my "lack of" success in relationships has been because I've carried some of that sadness with me...who knows?

As I listened about wisdom today in church it inspired me to keep persisting in the pursuit of wisdom...thanks Solid Rock!!

Gally get outta my gut!!

So I fail...my attempt to be a regular blogger completely failed. No excuses, no analyzing this time...just failed. I'm okay with that!

So much has happened and not just life events, but actual change. Like the kind of change you constantly hope for or long for at times. For the first time in three years I feel like me...and not just the me I remember, but the best to date version of me and yet at the core just me.

The funny thing is...it took breaking my ankle to realize how out of shape and unhealthy I've been and give me the determination to do something about it, even have the patience to move slowly (not my usual style). Some of that patience was forced on me and I'm glad it was...somehow through all the time I've had to do nothing because at times there was nothing I could do...it helped me find myself again, of course I think God played a part in there too.

So I'm feeling great...ankle is healing well (better than expected)...and then not a week after I met with a weight loss coach, made agreements with an accountability partner, and purchased a kitchen full of healthy food...my final and worst gallbladder attack hit me so hard I'm lucky to be alive. I say final attack because after surgery the doctor discovered that my organ was completely gangrene and that I was lucky it didn't burst or cause pancreatitus (which coincidentally a co-worker is recovering from, no bueno)! When I asked how long it would take to make it so infected, they said several years...now that I know what that attack is, I can trace the first time all the way back to sophomore year in college. I ate Taco Bell late at night and immediately felt so sick I thought I would die all night and then the next day felt fine...over the years I've had similar incidents that I just never put together and never went to a doctor for. Crazy! Moral of this story...call the nurse or go to the doctor when something isn't right!

What's crazier is that now that I don't have a gally (coined by Rachie btw) I have to get used to a new digestive system and get this...can't eat fatty or greasy food unless I want to feel bad for a day or so...HA! And I have energy now so that I actually want to exercise, even though all I can do is walk, I honestly can't wait to.

It's been fantastic to be recovering at home and have the time to catch up with friends and family and remember what's important and mostly to just be able to reflect and realize how wonderful and precious my life really is and how grateful and blessed I am to have and know some of the best people on the planet.

I'm not going to make any promises about keeping up with this...but this was nice!

Walking in Memphis...

So I know I've missed a couple days and believe me I can't wait to write about them because they have been truly eventful, but I'm leaving for Memphis today and cannot wait to be ten feet off Beale and just relaxing with some good friends!

So I'll see you soon cyberworld...

Writing on the wall...

Do you ever have those moments of clarity when everything you see or do is pointing you in one direction? I feel like they happen all the time, it's simply a matter of whether I pay attention to them or not.

Conversations are a funny thing...they can tell you a lot about a person and sometimes they can reveal things in you that you were not even remotely aware of. I love these kinds of conversations...the hard part is being able and willing to do your share of the give and take to even get close to the possibility of that kind of conversation to take place.

The point is this...I am convinced that I am not living up to my own potential. Story of my life...but I am also convinced that I can change. I want to be a person of conviction that is not swayed so easily by outside forces. I want to be secure in who I am both mentally and physically.

I am a firm believer in the holistic nature of humans and that one area cannot function well without all functioning well. So I have decided to get to work on this old crap body of mine...it is in need of some serious change. I know it will be hard and I will want to give up everyday but I know that I cannot grow or change without this first step.

I'm pretty sure no one reads this but by chance you do any encouragement, advice or simply prayer is appreciated.

Chronicles...

Hello Blog world I am giving this a whirl for the err...well fifth time. That's a little deflating...I really want to begin a journey and after reading a friends blog I decided it's time to really buckle down and get some writing done just to prove to myself that I have SOME discipline.

I was thinking earlier today how the timing of things often seems to be my "problem;" but then I thought actually it usually just reminds me that really I should be focusing on me. Not in a narcissistic way but in a becoming a better version of myself way. Instead of waiting around for the perfect life to show up, since we all know that's not real, taking a hold of what's in front of me and creating.

I am tired of feeling constantly in need of a restart button. Though I have no regrets and have loved every moment of life that has brought me here, I do want to change now and so begins a journey.

Another year gone by...

I should never have labeled this blog a daily anything...it's really been a yearly blog...so I renamed it.

I've decided that it's time for a post...the last year has really flown by and I feel like I was in this whirlwind of fun, heartbreak, more stress than I have ever experienced and the creation of many new friendships all mixed up in the middle of a chaotic job.

Somehow I've come out of the last year with some order to all of that and more clarity than ever before. I feel like the last three years I have been wandering in the desert and now I am finally at my destination.

I am happy. I am home.

More than that, I am myself...I know myself and am known by others...such a great treasure; I hope I never take it for granted.

With the sense of contentment comes the drive for more...I have never been a person simply satisfied with what is...so now creativity has been flowing and I know it is because my purpose has returned.

Deep down in my soul I have always known my purpose and the time for running from it is over. I am not meant to be another casualty of societal pressure, but rather a person of influence.

I've decided that it is more offensive to others for me to be anyone other than myself. To deny the path that has led me here or the assurances that have been shown to me in the last 32 years of life is a travesty.

All this to say...I'm done with a lifestyle that numbs me rather than enriches me...I'm done pretending that I don't live, breathe and die because of a savior who first did that for me...I'm done letting the behavior and opinion of others persuade me from having my own.

It feels really good to connect with my God and to be on a road that leads to health.

It feels good to have uncertain faith.

I have meaningful relationships with my students and that is all I ever wanted. To be able to speak into their lives because of mutual respect and see them become amazing people that make awesome decisions.

Having said all of this...it is terribly disappointing to see people you care about make really awful decisions...it's one of those moments when you see your own mistakes so clearly and wish they did not have to experience them. Yet I know how it feels to be making them too and it doesn't matter what anyone says...it is truly up to the individual to make good or bad choices.

I wish sometimes that I could shell up and be a closed person; however, it is simply not my nature and I don't think it ever will be.

Anyway...just some thoughts on a nice Saturday evening with me!

ramblings

I can't believe I don't know you...that you're not in my life...I think its good...but it sucks...I wish I wasn't so holistic and that the desire to hold onto being known would leave me.

I know that I need more of God and less of this stinky, bitter, angry goo that has consumed me in every way for absolutely too long. I always thought that the phrase we grow or change from the inside out only referred to the good kinds of change...but it is the same with the bad too...somehow all this time I have been just waiting for something anything to make things the way they were before I knew you and instead of growing I have been rotting and now even my body can't hide how rotten I've become...In every way I am unhealthy and unhappy...I miss the newness of God and delighting in Him and being so secure in his love...really not just intellectually but really abiding in Him, trusting Him, being in love with Him.

I'm glad you're gone and that I have a chance to make this right to be who I am supposed to be...to follow the path that God set me on and to not be afraid of it or doubt it anymore.

I want to live and really live to impact others not just positively, but for the kingdom...I want to be love to others without expectation.

Anyway...just some thoughts on a lonely night!

A fresh start...

So it has been entirely too long (like over a year) since I have written here and I am feeling like I need a place to well place my thoughts. Life has become a bit overwhelming and the time has come to use writing as an escape again...I'm not really sure why I stop when I know it is so good for me...its like I'm not sure why I run from God when I need Him the most...even though I know that I need Him..weird.

Since my last post I have created many memories, cried with several friends, lost some friends to bigger cities, graduated with my Masters, and started my student affairs career path at Drury University as a Hall Director.

I have to admit...it took me by surprise how my body doesn't enjoy the college environment as much as I do...I finally had to admit to myself that even though I still may look young I am not young anymore.

I do love being around college students though...getting to walk through their college experience with them and just meet these incredible souls makes all the body aches worth it.

Other transitions have been a little difficult...I miss my soul mate friends...when I came to MO I had too many to keep up with regularly and now many of them are gone...not gone...we will always be connected...but just having those people who know you best close by is something I took for granted. It is fun finding new ones and the adventure of learning about someone new...but it has been harder than I realized it would be...it makes that longing for what was feeling a little more blaring.

anyway...check back next year when I post again...JK...well maybe :)

Just purging...

I hate that I can't hate you.
I hate the way I won't escape you.
I hate that my thoughts of you never leave.

I hate that I can't forget you or
remember that I hate you
But I can't because I don't.

I hate that your eyes captivate me and
I hate your kindness because
the sting of both overwhelms me.

I hate that I want something that doesn't exist
and I hate that you do too.
I hate that you won't know me,
when you're only the one who did.

I hate that I am changed by you and
I hate losing my pride by admitting
that I hate how you control me.

I hate that I want to wish you well and
I hate caring that you don't care at all,
but mostly I hate that I love you.

I hate that I can't hate, it seems easier,
but I do not hate that the
God who lives in me, lives in you.

I hope I never learn to hate and
I hope to continue to learn to love,
even though I hate it!

Woot

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. - Evan Esar

I thought it was worth sharing!