I can't believe I don't know you...that you're not in my life...I think its good...but it sucks...I wish I wasn't so holistic and that the desire to hold onto being known would leave me.
I know that I need more of God and less of this stinky, bitter, angry goo that has consumed me in every way for absolutely too long. I always thought that the phrase we grow or change from the inside out only referred to the good kinds of change...but it is the same with the bad too...somehow all this time I have been just waiting for something anything to make things the way they were before I knew you and instead of growing I have been rotting and now even my body can't hide how rotten I've become...In every way I am unhealthy and unhappy...I miss the newness of God and delighting in Him and being so secure in his love...really not just intellectually but really abiding in Him, trusting Him, being in love with Him.
I'm glad you're gone and that I have a chance to make this right to be who I am supposed to be...to follow the path that God set me on and to not be afraid of it or doubt it anymore.
I want to live and really live to impact others not just positively, but for the kingdom...I want to be love to others without expectation.
Anyway...just some thoughts on a lonely night!
